Losing Your Memory
by Hikaru-wa-shiawase-ni-eien-ni
Summary: Rachel and Quinn have been secretly in love for years though Quinn's never worked up the courage to go public with their relationship. When Finn proposes to Rachel, she accepts and though Quinn is heartbroken, she agrees to come to the wedding. On the way to the wedding, she gets into a terrible car accident, effectively putting a stop to the nuptials. More in the chapter.
1. The Proposal

Plot: Rachel and Quinn have been secretly in love for years though Quinn's never worked up the courage to go public with their relationship. When Finn proposes to Rachel, she accepts and though Quinn is heartbroken, she agrees to come to the wedding. On the way to the wedding, she gets into a terrible car accident, effectively putting a stop to the nuptials. When she finally wakes up, Rachel realizes that she doesn't remember who she is or what kind of relationship they had. She breaks it off with Finn and re-introduces herself to Quinn, glad that they can make a fresh start.

Megustin came up with this plot and allowed me to write a story based off of the youtube video she made for Faberry. Here's the link: watch?v=0fOdbvp0QSw&list=FLzyCcc6jloVt5YybkoXsV-A&index=4&feature=plpp_video

Chapter 1

The Proposal

"Why can't you just tell the club Quinn? I mean we've been dating since sophomore year and I've taken every slushie you've had thrown my way, looked the other way when you insulted me in front of others all for our relationship. Why can't we at least come out to the club? They're like family. They're not the whole school so word won't go back to your parents. It's not like the whole school would know and Brittany and Santana are out and no one's doing anything rude or cruel to them. Please Quinn … just the club." Rachel spoke passionately. "Why can't things ever be simple between us? Why can't things be as simple as 'I love you', and nothing more than that?" Rachel asked desperately looking into Quinn's stormy hazel eyes.

Quinn was silent for a moment before she spoke with a calmness that seemed impossible for the tension in the room was thick, "it can't because if my parents ever found out they would kick me out of the house again. I … I can't … I can't lose them again after I just got them back Rachel. You know this as much as I do. I love them and they're all I have. I'll be 18 soon and then what? They're under no obligation anymore after I turn that cornerstone and then … then I'll be a homeless adult, freshly kicked out of my house because I'm gay. I can't play this game with them because they're all I've got. I don't have any aunts or uncles who would be willing to take me in because they all hate me for getting pregnant sophomore year. They all think I'm a sinner and slut for getting pregnant even though it was my first time and I was feeling insecure about my feelings for you. They would never help … in fact they would most likely be happy for my parents and tell them they did a good job by throwing me out like that Rachel! Can't you understand where I'm coming from at all?" Quinn was desperate for Rachel to understand.

Rachel shook her head, "and I've already assured you that my fathers would understand and be more than glad to welcome you into our home so you'll be somewhere safe." Rachel just didn't understand though.

"And I've told you that my family will retaliate in one way or another. I don't want anything to happen to you because of my family because I would feel terrible if they did something horrible to you or your fathers just because you were protecting me. What would make it worse is if they somehow find out that you are the one I love because that would just make them even more motivated to do something to you. I can't … I simply can't let that happen no matter what Rachel … can we please just … stop arguing about this and move on Rachel. I don't want our precious time together spent arguing." Rachel looked like she wanted to say more but she just nodded in agreement. "Thank you." And Quinn gave her a chaste peck on the lips and Rachel accepted but there was still tension surrounding them. "Do you want to watch Funny Girl? It's your favorite." Quinn was desperately trying to dispel the tension that enveloped the room due to the argument they had. She wanted to make the most of their time together instead of being mad at each other for not budging an inch when it came to this issue that they had both been adamant about. Neither wanted to give into the others wish believing that they were both in the right about it.

Rachel still enjoyed the movie despite the, now lessened, tension between them but she didn't enjoy it nearly as much as she normally would have but she was still glad that she was with Quinn despite the mini fight they had. She was still very much in love with Quinn after all. She just wished Quinn would take her magnificent advise and be done with it because there was no way her parents would ever figure out that the blonde was in love with her. Quinn had taken every precaution in the world to make sure of that after all, especially with Santana's help.

Rachel was dating Finn only at the behest of Quinn to make sure it was legitimate in everyone's mind that there was no way Rachel and Quinn were in love with each other and she didn't like having to pretend to want the brainless seeming jock in favor of being with Quinn openly. Unfortunately there was nothing she could do about Quinn's refusal to come out because she wasn't going to force her hand because she loved her too much to do something so underhanded to her. She just wished Quinn would come to the realization that her plan could and would work should the time arise for it.

Currently Rachel was sitting in the auditorium waiting for Finn because he told her he had a surprise for her. She had no idea what it could be but she was sitting there waiting all the same. She was humming to herself when she heard the auditorium door open and she looked over her shoulder to see that Finn had finally arrived. She had received a text earlier from him telling her to go to the auditorium to wait for him and now here he was.

"What is it Finn? I've been sitting here waiting for five minutes now? It sounded urgent the way you worded it." Rachel spoke the moment she recovered from being lost in her thoughts about Quinn even though she was with Finn right now. It was a bad habit of hers, thinking about Quinn whenever she was with Finn and missing her terribly.

"I … well I've wanted to do this for a while Rachel," Finn said as he finally stood in front of her. He knelt down before he asked with slight trepidation, "Rachel Berry … will you marry me?" Rachel sat in shock for a moment before she looked into his eyes and looked at his face. It was full of hope and she thought about what she had been going through with Quinn. The answer was heartrending for her but she had to make it. She had to make Quinn realize what she had been doing for the last three years: she had been losing Rachel slowly because of the arguments. Even though Quinn was her one and only, her true love and the only one who would ever make her feel whole and complete … she couldn't wait for her anymore and here was Finn. Finn may not have been the brightest tool in the tool shed … or the sharpest crayon in the box but … he was a nice guy so that had to count for something.

And so with a heavy heart that she didn't show for one second she said, "Yes. Yes I will marry you Finn Hudson." It felt wrong in so many ways to be in his too long arms right now and holding him when the one she should be saying yes to was Quinn. She wanted this moment to be shared between Quinn and her but what choice did she have right now? The chances of Quinn actually changing her mind were slim to none and so made the only choice that seemed to make any sense even if it hurt her to do so.

Quinn was in the bathroom looking at her reflection in the mirror to fix any flaws she saw on her face or hair when Rachel came in. She had just been thinking about her too so speak of the devil for sure. Quinn had been thinking about how to apologize to Rachel for keeping her from telling anyone in Glee about them and she was thinking about how to tell her that yes she would do the unthinkable and tell everyone in Glee about them when Rachel dropped a bombshell on her. It was like an earthquake had knocked her off of her feet, it was like a tsunami had come and drowned her in seven stories of water, it was like she was being burned by a wildfire … it was the most agonizing feeling she had ever felt in her life.

"Um … Finn asked me to marry him." It was like she couldn't breathe for a moment before she responded.

"But … you can't." Quinn was incredulous. She was heartbroken and before Rachel could see how upset she was she turned away from her, grabbed her bag, and left the Rachel standing in the bathroom alone looking after her.

Everything was silent until Rachel whispered softly to a woman who had already left, "but you don't even know that I said 'yes' to him." But she didn't have to because Quinn could see that she had in fact said yes because of the look on her face when she told her. It was too evident from the look on her face.

They were sitting across from each other but neither of them was speaking a single word. They were in Rachel's house in the dining room and neither of them had said a word to each other since they greeted each other at Rachel's front door. The tension was so thick that it could be cut with a knife. Rachel was looking right at Quinn and Quinn was looking up at Rachel briefly before she looked away. Quinn desperately wanted to tell Rachel what she had been thinking but she couldn't find the words so the tense silence continued on and filled the minutes ticking by with nothing but uncomfortable silence, unbearable silence. Neither of them wanted to be the one to break the silence so they continued to sit in the silence that just seemed to grow heavier with emotions the longer they sat without saying anything to each other.

Just when Quinn was about to say something Rachel spoke up, halting all of Quinn's thoughts of speaking "it's time for you to go now, Quinn. You don't want my fathers to see that you've been here." Rachel walked her to the door.

For just a moment Quinn faltered, feeling tears gathering in her eyes, "is this it? Is this goodbye Rachel?"

Rachel looked away knowing that she couldn't bear to say the words. She couldn't bring herself to say goodbye to the love of her life because though she agreed to marry Finn … she knew her heart would always belong to the blonde standing before her with tears in her eyes. She felt an ache that she had never experienced before in her life and she knew what ache it was … it was heartbreak.

Quinn understood what Rachel's silence meant and being unable to bear with this being their last time together as a couple she pulled Rachel into her arms and held her tightly. They stood like that for several moments before Quinn pulled back and looked into her eyes. "You still love me," it was a statement, "but you're choosing him over me." She leaned forward and gave Rachel a kiss that reminded her of their first kiss: soft, innocent, full of love. It was so reminiscent of the moment she fell in love with Lucy Quinn Fabray and she felt something inside of her break the moment Quinn pulled away. Quinn left without another word and Rachel dropped to her knees and cried for the love she lost. She knew she would never be happy again even if ten years had passed because Finn wasn't the one and he never would be. He was just someone she was settling for.

Quinn cried the entire way back to her house from Rachel but before she left her car she made sure her eyes were dry and that she had her cold mask on. Fabrays didn't talk about their feelings and most certainly didn't let it show when they were sad or upset after all. The moment she walked into her house she was the picture perfect blonde daughter her parents had raised other than her one mistake sophomore year.

Her parents knew that something was wrong with her but as it was the Fabray way they didn't address it and they left her to be alone to get over whatever was wrong with her. Quinn went to her only sanctuary now. Her other sanctuary had been torn down by a single event and shattered into a thousand pieces and burned into nothingness, not even dust was left of her old sanctuary. It was simply gone. Just like that it was as if it never existed in the world. Just gone forever.

She allowed herself to cry it out once she was in the safety of her room. She cried because she had lost the one thing that was most important to her. She cried because she never thought that she could lose someone who was her rock, her love, her entire world in just one moment. She cried because she had never felt so much pain in her entire life, not even when she was giving birth. She cried because her heart ached and it felt like someone had just taken a knife and decided to stab her chest repeatedly until she was crying out like she was now. She cried because she would no longer have the most wonderful person to love and to hold in her arms anymore. She cried because she just lost her entire world in a single moment and she knew she would never get her back ever again because she had been selfish.

So I wanted to actually write the entire video in one chapter but I thought that that would spoil the ending for those who have not watched the video and this way for those who have it isn't a spoiler as to what happens next. For those who watched the video before reading this I hope I did the video justice!^^ Until the next chapter everybody!^^

姫宮光るより


	2. What Now?

Chapter 2

What Now?

For weeks after Rachel had ended things with Quinn, Quinn had been avoiding her like the plague because she knew she would breakdown if she was anywhere near Rachel. She even went as far as to skip Glee Club for a few days which then turned into a week before she came back because she couldn't run away anymore. When she felt like she could actually be around her again she was wearing her uniform once again. She was a proud Cheerio again and she felt the ache like a dull old wound, healing after its initial happening. It was by pure chance that she ran into her in the hallway. She was able to smile for Rachel because she was happy for her in her heart of hearts beneath the surface of happiness was the pain, the ache that would never go away. They looked at each other for a single moment before Rachel spoke, "Quinn," and before Quinn could say anything in response she was holding the diva in her arms. She knew that there wasn't ever going to be a moment quite like this ever again because she knew that Rachel was going to marry Finn. She would be the one that got away, the one she would never have again.

She realized what a mistake it was the moment she stepped into the room. She was in the choir room again and Rachel was sitting next to Finn, holding his hand in hers. She felt the burn of jealousy and pain that had once been a dull ache flare up again. It was like having a bruise that barely throbbed renew itself with an accidental slam into another objecting causing it to ache even worse than what it initially did when the wound was made. The dull ache became an intensified throb that made it hard for her to breathe but only Rachel seemed to notice this, well Rachel and Santana both gave her worried looks. Quinn chose the seat furthest away from the nauseating couple and managed to remain cool and indifferent on the outside. The only thing that gave her away was her eyes and Santana, Brittany, and Rachel knew to look for the signs she gave away without saying a single word. Brittany would have noticed if not for the fact that she was draped over Santana's lap and currently had her eyes closed

Rachel felt an ache in her chest that was becoming more and more familiar with as each day passed. It was guilt eating away at her for what she had done to Quinn and what she was continuing to do even now despite how much she knew it was hurting the blonde. Quinn felt a particularly powerful ache in her chest and she couldn't help but clutch at her chest in discomfort and pain. Tina and Mike entered the room when she was showing such weakness and they immediately came up to her.

"Quinn … are you okay?" Mike asked worriedly because Quinn was now doubled over in pain. The ache seemed to be increasing with each labored breath she gasped painfully. Though it was difficult she managed to fight passed her pain and sit back up right and smile, more like grimace, and nod her head in reassurance.

Mike and Tina looked anything but convinced. "Are you sure because you sure don't look like you're all right?" Tina asked dubiously.

Quinn almost, _almost_, felt bad for lying straight through her teeth because they were just concerned but she couldn't help it. She couldn't tell them what was hurting her so much. "Yes … I'm fine," Quinn said through gritted teeth, trying to keep herself from hissing and groaning in pain. She was well passed being just emotionally hurt, her pain and heartache was manifesting physically now and it was causing her more pain than she had ever felt before in her life. Not even giving birth could compare to this feeling, this agonizing pain in her chest. It felt like someone was throwing bricks at her chest with every breath she took but she couldn't let it show, she couldn't let Rachel see what she was doing to her. It was also hard for her to breathe properly, it was like she couldn't catch her breath at all. She wondered briefly what it might be before her thoughts went back to Rachel. Rachel … if Rachel knew she would feel terrible and Quinn didn't want her to feel that way or worry about her. She wanted Rachel to always be happy no matter. She wanted her to always be happy with her but … she knew that was never going to happen now because Rachel couldn't even stand being with her in secret anymore and she was with Finn. At least that was what she thought. It was hard to believe but Rachel was tired of hiding because Quinn couldn't find it in herself to stand tall and proud while announcing that she was together with Rachel. It hurt but she deserved every bit of pain she was feeling now and what she might feel in the future. She deserved every second of heartrending pain that she felt because of how much she must have hurt Rachel.

Mr. Schuester walked in and Quinn, who had been lost in her thoughts, finally noticed that Tina and Mike were sitting next to her and looking at her with worry on their face because of what must have looked like anguish on her face. She hadn't even realized that not just the two of them but Puck, Santana, Brittany, Mercedes, Sam, Kurt, Blaine, Rachel and Rory were all looking at her with curious and worried gazes. Mr. Schuester, however, was completely oblivious to it and went straight to the white board to write, with his squeaky black dry-erase marker, _Sectionals_ on the board. "No—," he paused when he saw where almost everyone's attention was and looked to the source to come face to face with a blonde nearly ready to pass out from all of the pain she was experiencing in her chest. Stumped and concerned he directed his next words to Quinn, "Quinn, are you okay? You look like you're rea— _Quinn_!" Mike, who was sitting beside her, caught her before she hit the floor or the chair in front of her with amazing speed and gentleness. All those years of dancing paid off greatly in that moment the blonde lost all consciousness.

Rachel immediately volunteered to take the blonde to the nurse's office with Mike and Mr. Schuester nodded numbly to her request. Rachel found herself sitting next to Quinn in the curtained room with Quinn lying still in the bed. Something didn't look right with her and it caused Rachel to worry. Her breathing was irregular and she seemed to be in pain even though she was unconscious. Rachel went to consult the nurse and ask her if she knew why Quinn's body was behaving the way it was.

"Excuse me Miss Skye. May I ask you something?" Rachel asked respectfully. The woman in question looked up from the computer screen in front of her and nodded her answer. Rachel came to stand before the kind, gentle looking woman with a pounding, nervous heart. "Do you know what the diagnosis for symptoms of severe chest pain and shortness of breath are? These are the symptoms Quinn has been exhibiting." The woman looked surprised that Rachel was able to describe the symptoms Quinn was exuding since she didn't think any student was capable of doing so at this school. It wasn't a common mundane thing for students to be able to describe in detail what symptoms someone was experiencing based off of seeing them exude them the way she did. Sure it was one thing for someone to say that someone else's chest hurt but it was another thing entirely to say severe chest pain and the same thing went for shortness of breath. Most people would say that someone couldn't catch their breath or weren't breathing right.

"Well, I've been looking up those two symptoms now and I've come across Pulmonary Embolism, Panic Attack, or a Generalized Anxiety Disorder as her top three most likely diagnoses. Not a single one of them are pleasant diagnoses because they all lead me to believe that Quinn's health is in bad shape right now. The symptoms of Pulmonary Embolism are deadly at worst and harmful at best. She can die from having Pulmonary Embolism if not live a painful life with its harmful symptoms. Panic Attacks aren't life threatening but they can be terribly life altering. They can happen at any time throughout life and they limit what people can do when they have them ranging from being unable to function around others to fainting from hyperventilating. And lastly but not least a Generalized Anxiety Disorder can also appear during any stage of life. Anxiety Disorders tend to stem from either genetics or great emotional stress and can cause what happened to Quinn today. This is all I can tell you since I don't know if any of these possibilities are accurate and I don't know about them being what is wrong with her for certain." Rachel looked devastated upon hearing what was potentially wrong with Quinn and she nodded numbly in response to the nurse's overwhelming response. Rachel hadn't been anticipating such dreadful and potentially life threatening diagnoses. In fact she had been hoping it was just a fluke, a freak accident so to speak. Now though … she was overcome with worry for her love, the love of her life. She would never be happy again if something terrible happened to her Quinn … if Yahweh* forbid, her love died.

Quinn awoke slowly. At first she heard bits of murmured words that soon became words she understood. She only heard bits and pieces though. First she heard the word 'symptoms' being spoken almost like a whisper by a voice she was more than familiar with and the next word she heard was only a hair's breadth louder, 'looking'. She was slowly but surely coming to. There was a moment's pause when she heard nothing more before a voice she didn't recognize at first spoke. After listening for a bit she realized who it was when she heard the gentle voice of the nurse, as she now recognized her to be, speaking about something that was a bit garbled to her. She was only able to understand small bits and pieces of what she was talking about because she was still waking up.

Her breathing slowly became hers as she barely cracked one eye open, her right, and then opened it slowly before doing the same with her other eye. She recognized where she was from the memory of when she was here last. She was in the nurse's office with Finn because Santana decided to be a manipulative sneak and gave Finn an infection that spread to her. It was one chaotic day. She remembered that she kissed Finn because she had been jealous of all of the attention he had been giving Rachel. She didn't want Rachel all over him … she especially hated that he was always kissing her in the hallways whereas she had never even held Rachel's hand in public. She did a lot of things she shouldn't have when it came to her jealousy over Rachel being with Finn. She tried to make up for it, she always did, but somehow that wasn't enough anymore. Maybe Rachel was tired of it and that was her reason for accepting Finn's proposal so easily over being with her in secret. She was always asking her 'how much longer do we have to hide this: our love? How much longer Quinn do we have to keep pretending Quinn?' And Quinn, being the coward she was, couldn't give Rachel a straight answer, one that she could keep anyways.

When Rachel came back into the curtained off bed it was to behold the sight of an emotional Quinn with tears in her eyes. Quinn hardly ever cried, even in front of Rachel, so it caused Rachel to react and she was immediately by her side, fussing over her. "What's wrong Quinn? Is the pain unbearable, are you hurting? Why are you crying?" Rachel who hadn't shown Quinn any affection since their hug the week before and it was relieving to feel those hands all over her face, those lips pressing soft and gentle kisses all over her face, those eyes pouring over her body to check for any visible discomfort. It was overwhelming how much love Rachel was showing Quinn that she couldn't stop the flow of tears dripping into her ears uncomfortably. She turned into the hand holding her cheek and pressed into the comfort Rachel was offering freely.

Quinn calmed herself from her momentary weakness and spoke softly with no inflection or intonation what she had decided in her heart and mind. "I … I will go to the wedding … to your wedding Rachel. As much as it pains me and kills me to do this … I will … I will attend your wedding and wish you happiness." Quinn closed her eyes painfully tightly so she wouldn't have to see the look on Rachel's face when she said it and Rachel for her part gasped and stopped her gentle ministrations. She was absolutely speechless. Quinn having heard nothing but silence for several moments too long opened her eyes and saw the tongue tied, speechless diva, stare back at her with wide eyes. She hadn't been expecting to hear that at all let alone when Quinn was in a bed in the nurse's office because she collapsed. "Rachel …?" Quinn tried. Apparently that was enough to open the floodgates.

"You … you … here … what?" Rachel wasn't able to form coherent speech yet apparently. "You're … Quinn?!" She was just too flabbergasted and flustered to handle this situation. The love of her life collapsed, had three very horrifying potential diagnoses, and was crying only to say something like that, only to drop a bomb like that on her? Rachel was truly confused over the situation but she knew she needed to calm herself and form a coherent sentence so Quinn could actually understand what she was trying to say. "Quinn, why did you bring this up all of a sudden? You just … for goodness sakes, you just woke up after having fainted from chest pain and shortness of breath only about half an hour ago. What in the world are you thinking Quinn? I don't understand how you can just … expect me to understand when you wake up to say something like that." Rachel was slowly but surely coming to understand that Quinn was still an enigma to her sometimes even after all of their years of dating.

Quinn was a little startled by this, by her reaction. She had thought that Rachel would be happy to hear this and not … flustered like she was. "I just … well when I woke up I heard your voice and I … I was thinking about why you broke up with me and … I think I understand why you chose to accept Finn's proposal now. It's because of this revelation that I'm … I'm supporting you and I'm going to show that support by … attending your wedding. I just want you to be happy Rachel. So because of that I … I'm going to your wedding and I'm going to let you go with a smile instead of tears like I want to … like my heart wants me to so desperately. I'll always love you … forever until the day I die but … I don't want to stand in the way of your happiness by being jealous and snide. I want you to love me like you used to but I know you can't love me like that anymore. I … I'm sorry that we couldn't last … that I couldn't be who you wanted me to be. I'm sorry I wasn't better for you and that I refused to admit to other people how we felt. It's too late for me now and I know it so … please be happy even without me." Quinn spoke with gentleness and tears in her red eyes.

Rachel was floored … she was literally left unable to speak and process what she had just heard. How could Quinn be so wrong about something like this? How could she think that Rachel didn't love her anymore, didn't want her anymore. She was still as in love as she was the moment she saw her, the moment they first started dating was something she could never forget even if she got Alzheimer's disease. That was how sure of their love she was but Quinn … Quinn thought that she fell in love with Finn … that she loved Finn more than she loved Quinn? She couldn't be more wrong about anything because Rachel only saw Finn Hudson as a friend … not the ultimate lover that Quinn was. Quinn was the love of her life for Yahweh's sake! How could Quinn doubt her so? Rachel couldn't tell her otherwise though because Quinn looked so determined to do things right by Rachel that she didn't have to heart to tell her she still loved her deeply.

How could things have become so complicated and out of whack like this, so off kilter? Nothing was going as planned and Quinn doubted … well Quinn thought she came to the realization that Rachel didn't love her anymore. Things were becoming so twisted and wrong in this love between them. Quinn was clueless and Rachel was left not knowing what to say. What now though? What was going to happen next between them? Rachel wasn't sure but she hoped things would finally start settling down for once instead of becoming even more complicated and strange. She wanted her best friend back … her love, her one and only but she couldn't take her back anymore. She wanted what was best for Quinn and she highly doubted that she was just that.

* So I'm not sure what Jewish people refer to God as so I used this as a guess. If anyone comes across this and knows properly please correct me if I'm wrong and please don't be offended that I don't know. Thank you!^^

So here's the next chapter and I know I embellished a bit and added something that I imagined rather than something from an actual scene in the MV here. I also did that the last chapter but not to this extent. I hope everyone reading this liked this chapter!^^ Until the next chapter then!^^

姫宮光る


	3. The Announcement

Chapter 3

The Announcement

Everyone was getting ready for Sectionals, preparing themselves with rituals before going on the stage to sing. Mike and Tina were holding hands and singing softly, Kurt and Blaine were chatting with each other excitedly, Santana and Brittany were being … Santana and Brittany's version of lovey-dovey, Puck was probably corrupting, or attempting to, Rory's mind, Artie was talking to Mercedes about something, the Trouble Tones were chatting amongst each other, and Rachel and Finn were discussing something when suddenly Finn spoke up. "Excuse me … can I have everyone's attention for a moment please?" That showed how much time he had been spending with Rachel. It almost sounded like something Rachel would say, almost.

Everyone stopped what they were doing and the attention and focus went to the couple holding hands. "Thank you everyone!" Rachel said, sounding far too perky. "We have an announcement to make … Finn?" She started before passing it off to Finn to announce whatever it was they were going to do.

Finn took a deep breath, closed his eyes momentarily, before he set his gaze straight ahead and spoke in an almost nervous voice. "After the competition … Rachel and I are gonna get married." Everyone stood in stunned silence at the proclamation, this bold declaration. No one moved for this shocking moment before everything seemed to converge together, until the shock wore off.

"You two are what?" Santana nearly shouted in the deafeningly silent room. "Estas muy loco Finn! Que estas pensando?! Ay dios mio! Estupido! Muy estupido!" Santana was furious with him because she had picked up on their discreet signs of affection and even though Quinn and Santana had fought each other on several occasions they still always had each other's backs no matter what. That and they were able to relate to each other in so many ways. The biggest common factor between them was their protective natures, their stubbornness, and their friendship with Brittany. Brittany was often the glue that kept them together when they fought because she wouldn't be on anyone's side and she talked to them both despite their tension and they were always grateful for it.

Brittany, who had been by her side, put a calming hand on her shoulder. "Santi, please don't fuss. Quinn wouldn't want you to bring this up in front of the others. If … if you're going to say something then please do it in private so no one knows about them. It so totally wouldn't be cool of you San." Brittany whispered gently into her ear. The fierce Latina nodded her head in acceptance and gave Brittany a quick, affectionate peck on the lips before she moved into action.

She walked right up to Rachel and grabbed her arm as she said, "you're coming with me hobbit. We'll be right back, everybody." She grabbed the stunned diva and dragged her to a quiet, empty corner while everyone was once again standing in stunned silence.

"Daaaaamn, was that weird or was it just me?" Mercedes said, finally breaking the silence.

"No that was definitely strange Mercedes. I agree wholeheartedly, that was strange." Kurt said when no one else seemed to want to answer.

No one noticed how absolutely devastated Quinn was over the news. Her face only showed her surprise very slightly. Suddenly it was harder to breathe for the blonde and her chest hurt. She knew exactly what it was and slipped away from the group mostly unnoticed but for one person. Brittany noticed the blonde quietly walking away to go to her bag. Brittany followed and saw her grabbing something from her bag and water.

"Quinn? What are you doing?" Brittany asked when she saw that she had a pill bottle in her hand.

Quinn turned around, startled. Her eyes were slightly wider in surprise but when she saw that it was just Brittany she relaxed a little bit and the tension left her shoulders and body entirely. "I'm just taking some medication to calm down before we perform," the blonde lied easily. Brittany didn't look convinced and she even said as much.

"I know that's not really why you're taking them Quinn. Please don't lie to me. I won't tell anyone and you know that." Brittany looked a little hurt and Quinn immediately felt guilty and ashamed for lying to her best friend automatically like she had.

"I know … I know and I'm sorry Brittany." Quinn took a deep breath and let it out. She dropped a single pill out of the bottle and took a quick swig from the bottle and swallowed the pill with ease. She looked at a spot in the room as she answered Brittany honestly this time, "it's a pill I take whenever I start to have an anxiety attack. It helps me calm down so I don't get to the point I collapse again like I did the one time in the choir room." Quinn paused and looked into Brittany's piercing blue eyes as she spoke, "please don't let Santana know. I know she'll blame Rachel and come to resent her even more than she already does. If … if she knew she'd probably tell Rachel something and I don't want that." Unexpectedly Brittany pulled Quinn into her arms.

"Quinn … you can trust me and I'm sorry that you're hurting like this because of Rachel and Finn. I know … I can tell that Rachel still loves you even though she says she's marrying Finn. Her heart still belongs to you." Quinn was shocked to hear what Brittany had just said because she never told Santana or Brittany about her feelings for Rachel or that they were dating. Her surprise barely showed on her face but she did feel it. She tensed slightly before she relaxed into Brittany's arms again and she brought her hands up to wrap around her tall best friend. "I could tell Quinn because Santana and I noticed the looks you would sometimes give each other and because of how much attention you kept giving Rachel Sophomore year. We never told anyone so, don't worry." Her grip on Quinn tightened just a little bit and Quinn felt her heart squeeze tightly in her chest. It was a constricting feeling but knowing that Brittany was holding her and comforting her made it feel a little less suffocating.

Quinn was silent for a moment before she spoke softly, "thank you, Brit." And she didn't need to say anything else. They stayed in their comfortable embrace.

Rachel and Santana were looking at each other without saying a word. Rachel was silently wondering what the Latina wanted and the Latina was sizing her up. Santana was the first to break the silence between them. "I know about you and Q, Berry. I know that you two were together and you're hurting her. Q had an anxiety attack because of you, you know?" At Rachel's shocked expression the Latina let out a humorless laugh. "Of course you didn't know that. How could you possibly know that? Quinn wouldn't have told you. She told me that she was feeling stressed out about your wedding when it happened so … really she doesn't even realize that the reason she collapsed was from the stress of you and her feelings for you. Sometimes Q can be so naïve and clueless about how things affect her, especially when it comes to you. You need to wake up and smell the coffee though. You need to do something before it's too late." Santana might have sounded condescending but she was trying to help Quinn get Rachel back. She knew all things involving Rachel was really stressing her out.

Rachel stood dumbfounded by all of the information. It was as if this was the first time she really realized what was going on, how things were truly affecting the blonde she loved so much. She had no idea how much she was hurting her by choosing Finn over her but she was starting to get an idea, she was starting to realize how much she was truly hurting Quinn. She felt terrible, so horrible and utterly wretched for hurting the one she beloved so much. Love wasn't supposed to hurt like this. Love was supposed to be sweet and full of happiness not painful anguish and utter despair. "No … I … I can't. I have to stand by what I said because … because Quinn … Quinn chose to hide our true feelings for each oth—"

"So you're punishing her?" Santana cut in. "You're punishing Quinn even though you already know what it's doing to her? She fucking fainted because of you for fuck's sake Berry!" Rachel's eyes widened at Santana's use of profanity and how passionate her words were. "Grow the fuck up and open your eyes before it's too late and something happens to Quinn, before you regret not doing something sooner. I … Quinn and I haven't always gotten along but she's my girl and she deserves to be happy … even if it's with someone like you Berry." Rachel wanted to say something anything but Santana turned on her heels so that Rachel would have time to digest what she had said. Rachel stood motionless until she heard that they were being called to take the stage and she put her show face on despite everything that was now on her mind.

The girls were all picking out bridesmaids gowns with Rachel and Rachel herself was picking out a dress. Mercedes, Sugar, and Tina were the only ones who were actually excited about it. Santana couldn't care less and Brittany pretended to not know that Quinn was uncomfortable as she sat in a chair with her pink bridesmaids dress on. Brittany was standing in front of the mirror when Rachel spoke.

"Thanks so much for coming with me today, you guys, to help me pick out a dress and to try on all of yours." Rachel said quickly.

Santana tried on a ring studded with diamonds while Sugar put a wedding dress overtop of her own happily while they waited for Rachel to try on her dress. Tina twirled in front of Mercedes who was sitting on a chair facing her and smiling at Tina being silly.

"Me and the color pink have been in an argument for 17 years, I can't believe I have to make nice with it now." Santana said from where she stood, hands crossed at the wrist as she rested her left on a chair, in disbelief. Santana really didn't like the color pink but now here she was, agreeing to wear it for the girl hurting her best friend. Santana had no idea why she had agreed to this and was regretting it more than a little now.

"It feels balanced because I'm wearing the same color on the outside as inside." Brittany said from where she was standing in front of a mirror. She was trying her best to keep things light hearted and somewhat comfortable for Quinn's sake. She really felt sorry for Quinn but there was nothing she could do to change Rachel's mind and Santana had already tried.

"I think I found, I-I think I found the one." Rachel said from her changing room, her voice was slightly muffled by the room encasing her to protect her privacy from the others waiting for her.

"Finn better be the one 'cause I'm not doing this twice," Santana said with an annoyed tone of voice. If Quinn wasn't going to voice her dissent then Santana was going to do it for her. She knew why Quinn wouldn't and so she was being snarky and persnickety

"No, not Finn, the dress." Rachel said from inside of the dressing room.

Quinn for her part looked annoyed, nauseous to those who could actually read her, and rolled her eyes in her seat and put her head against the top of the chair. She wished that she hadn't agreed to come to the wedding now that she was sitting here listening to Rachel gush about wedding dresses. She sat there wondering what she had done wrong in her past life to deserve this cruel fate and twisted event. She was sitting in a wedding shop waiting for the love of her life to walk out of a dressing room with a wedding dress for her _wedding_ to someone who was her. Today was definitely not a good day in her book and she wished that she could do something, anything, to make it so that her heart wouldn't break into a thousand pieces. She was falling to pieces where she sat silently. She had so much to say but would anyone listen? No one else was objecting, not that she expected Brittany or Santana to object for her since she didn't want them saying anything and they knew it too.

Tina, Mercedes, and Sugar didn't have a clue about what was really going on with Quinn and Rachel and Quinn wanted to keep it that way. If only they knew what had been happening secretly between them for years and how in love Quinn and Rachel really were they would be shocked to the core. The furtive glances in the hallway, the loving kisses in private, their bodies brushing against each other in the choir room. If only they knew what was really behind Quinn's jealousy. They didn't though so Quinn had to suffer in silence.

Quinn just wanted it to end already, not just the pain in her chest but for the day to be over so she could forget it. She wanted to burn this moment, this day, out of her memory so when she grew older she wouldn't have to remember the night she got a bridesmaids dress for the woman she loved. Her life was so messed up and twisted at this point she couldn't help but wonder if God was punishing her for something she did wrong … for being gay.

Quinn's thoughts were abruptly disrupted by Rachel and her eyes went from the ceiling to Rachel who came out in a stunning white dress, a wedding dress. Mercedes looked over from her seat and Tina let out a gasp and clapped her hands softly in excitement as Rachel came out, "I think this one is it!" Rachel said excitedly.

"Oh my God Rachel, you look so beautiful I could cry!" Mercedes said genuinely from her seat as Rachel walked out and walked the steps leading up to a mirror. She was so excited and happy for her friend not knowing the truth behind the circumstances of Rachel's sudden nuptials.

"You really like it?" Rachel asked excitedly as she stood in front of the mirror and fixed her hair. She knew she had to keep herself distracted from the looks she was sure Quinn was giving her in disapproval and the hurt she knew the blonde was feeling. As long as she kept her front up Quinn would never know that Rachel was aware of her feelings of discomfort and hurt. Rachel didn't want to be cruel but Quinn had her chance to come clean to just the club and she didn't take it so now Rachel would be with someone else, someone who wasn't afraid to let everyone know that she was theirs.

Sugar spoke up next, completely unaware of the can of worms she was opening up, "yes you look like the bride on a wedding cake." And no sooner had she said that did Quinn comment back with disbelief.

"If she were a tiny, Jewish, teenager." Quinn said with an incredulous tone. She was finally showing disapproval because she couldn't take how everyone here seemed to support Rachel's decision so much. It was like none of them really cared enough about Rachel's future to consider the fact that she was barely 18 and she already wanted to get married. The deciding below the belt hit was that it was Finn Hudson she was doing all of this for. Finn Hudson who was a child still in every way, in every sense of the word. He hadn't grown passed being the boy he was and he might never truly do so.

"It's amazing. I can't believe you're getting married," Sugar said, disregarding Quinn's comment entirely.

Quinn again came back with a strong comment, "I hate to be a buzz kill, but Rachel, are you really sure you're ready for this?" Everyone looked in Quinn's direction and Quinn looked at Rachel with an unreadable expression but if anyone was looking at her closely, or knew what signs to find the hidden message in her eyes, they would know that Quinn was imploring Rachel not to marry Finn Hudson. Quinn's body language spoke of her discomfort and silent heartache. She couldn't help the resentment bubbling inside of her with every logical and almost snide comment directed at everyone in the room in regards to Rachel's impending wedding day.

Rachel turned around from the mirror as she answered Quinn, hands clasped together in front of her as she spoke, "I've never been more certain of anything in my entire life." Her gaze was directed at Quinn and Quinn stared back with disgust and thinly disguised hurt in her eyes. Tina sat next to her and had her hands clasped together in excitement and had a big, excited smile on her face as she looked at the bride to be standing before her in her white wedding dress. Rachel continued on after a moment's pause, "besides you can't spell family without Finn," and she squealed in excitement causing Quinn to feel even more pain and discomfort. She pushed passed her pain though and continued to press on despite it.

Quinn was absolutely fed up by this point by Rachel's excitement over her wedding. She had thought she meant more to the brunette than this. They had been together for years for goodness's sake! "Okay, I've tried to reason with you and I've even tried to be nice about it, but I'm not going to stand around and watch you ruin your life by marrying Finn Hudson!" Quinn said passionately, spitting Finn's name out with slight disgust. Quinn's expression showed her disapproval clearly but Rachel wasn't having any of it. Tina looked up at Quinn with surprised eyes at her sudden outburst.

Rachel immediately came but with a rebuttal, "look I'm not going to. I'm going to start my life with him." Rachel said adamantly, sounding a little hurt by Quinn's rejection and disapproval.

"Is anybody else with me on this?" Quinn asked, turning around to address the group. Santana looked up into her eyes for a moment before she looked away. Sugar also looked up at her and said nothing. Mercedes, Tina, and Brittany avoided making eye contact with Quinn causing her to roll her eyes at the raging support she was getting. "Looks like I'm the only one with enough balls to say; Rachel," Rachel nodded her head, "the thing that I admire most about you is that you're the kind of girl that has never apologized for your ambition." Rachel's eyes widened at the passionate blonde's words. "You're the shiniest star of all of us," Quinn took a moment to turn around to look at the others and include them in the conversation as well, "whether we like it or not it's true." Sugar made a face of acknowledgement and nodded her agreement. "And as we get closer and closer to graduation you keep hiding your life behind this stupid Finn wedding thing?" Quinn asked with disbelief clearly showing in her words and tone. Tina, Mercedes, and Sugar all looked at different spots in the room, uncomfortable with what Quinn was saying and Brittany and Santana looked at Quinn as she spoke. Rachel, however, looked Quinn in the eyes as she spoke and her gaze was sad. "I never pegged Rachel Berry as the girl who would be too scared to take on the world." Quinn said, delivering the final, fatal blow.

Rachel looked surprised at the last part, not expecting it at all. Rachel nodded her head after her momentary surprise and hurt left her. "Okay, well, if that's how you feel then I'd prefer it if you didn't attend our wedding." Rachel said with a little nod of her head. She hadn't been expecting Quinn to suddenly blow up now when she had been okay when they were picking out bridesmaids gowns.

Quinn looked right into Rachel's eyes as she spoke, "it's okay, I won't," Quinn said with a shrug of her shoulders before she walked away. She needed to get out of the room before Rachel saw how she was really feeling. The room was left in a silent wake when Quinn's footsteps couldn't be heard anymore. Rachel nodded her head in acceptance.

Everyone in the room reacted differently to Quinn's speech. Santana looked after Quinn's retreating form, Sugar looked from Quinn back to Rachel, Mercedes took on a thoughtful look before she looked back at Rachel, and Rachel took a deep breath and let it out quickly before she spoke. "Well, I love this."

The last part of this was all from the deleted Bridesmaids Scene that Ryan Murphy released and my take on what everyone's thoughts were. I hope it was enjoyable and I worked really hard on this chapter, watched the clip over and over again until this came out of it!^^ Please read and review and I hope you all enjoyed. I was in such a good mood after receiving so much attention from my other story that I updated this one early!^^

姫宮光る


	4. Heartbreak

Chapter 4

Heartbreak

Rachel was pacing back and forth awaiting Quinn's arrival. Quinn had promised that she would be her bridesmaid and that she would attend the wedding. Rachel was waiting in one of the side rooms in the chapel with Brittany, Mercedes, Santana, Sugar, Tina, Carole, and her two fathers and some of them were also becoming a bit impatient for varying reasons. Santana wanted it to be over and done with so she wouldn't have to make nice with pink anymore; she had spare clothing to change into after the wedding and reception were both over. Brittany wanted to see Quinn again as soon as possible because she had a bad feeling and the longer the blonde wasn't in her sight the more she worried. Tina had always wanted to attend an American wedding because the Chinese version she had to do was always so formal and rigid. Mercedes just wanted to sing at the reception since it was her golden opportunity to sing solo, one she wasn't about to waste. Sugar was a rich girl so she didn't like waiting for much of anything and that was all there was to it, plain and simple.

_Ran home to get my bridesmaids dress. Be there soon._

That was all Rachel had to go by and she wanted to wait for the blonde but they were cutting it close as it was and she didn't want to lose her slot. Finn was apt to reminder her of this fact. The blonde had promised and she always kept her promises and Rachel wanted to wait for her just a little longer because she knew that Quinn would come through for her. She had a feeling.

"Rachel, we gotta go right now or we're gonna lose our spot." Finn said, his face showing his worry. He really didn't want to lose his slot because if they lost it they wouldn't be able to plan it for at least a few weeks since they got lucky to even get their Saturday slot in the first place. The couple who had the slot previously cancelled just a few days before Finn and Rachel looked into this particular chapel as a means to get married. Brittany wasn't the only one with a bad feeling. Rachel couldn't help but feel nervous and worried over the fact that Quinn wasn't here yet but she was more than willing to wait if only to know that Quinn was safe and in one piece.

"Can we please just wait a couple more minutes for Quinn, please?" Rachel said when Finn yet again brought up the point of how close they were to losing their spot waiting for Quinn. Quinn had texted her that she went home to get her bridesmaid dress and that she would be there soon but Finn was pressuring her because they would lose their slot if they didn't go soon.

When Rachel got to the point that she was so fed up that she texted the blonde a message and waited. She was feeling under pressure from having everyone but Quinn gathered in the chapel with her. Finn kept shooting her telling glances and some of the others kept sighing impatiently or showing their impatience in some form or another.

_HURRY_

When Quinn didn't reply back Rachel sent another message only a moment later. It was frustrating having everyone look at her because she was the one who insisted on waiting for the blonde to show up.

_WHERE ARE YOU?_

Rachel looked at a clock briefly to check the time when a text message came her way and all it said was: _ON MY WAY_.

Quinn glanced over to her phone briefly upon hearing her message ringtone. She left it alone since she knew better than to answer her phone or even so much as look at a text while she was driving. After the first text another came through and so Quinn, despite her better judgment, took the phone from the passenger seat she had thrown it on. She glanced at the two text messages briefly, knowing in general what the content must be, before texting a message back and then it hit her. No sooner than right after she sent the text message _ON MY WAY_ to Rachel the phone was thrown from her hand. She was slammed into by another car and her car flew across the road and her car was flipped over on its head, leaving her trapped and helpless. The phone was thrown from her hand from the sudden impact and she felt the most painful, excruciating, agonizing, searing, throbbing, pounding, piercing, unbearable pain she had ever experienced in her life. Giving birth hadn't hurt this much and that was saying something. She was left with the feeling of the wind having been knocked out of her and she couldn't breathe for several painful moments before she gasped oxygen into her aching chest. For several minutes all she could do was feel … feel agony, feel pain, feel torturous ache throughout her entire body. She could hear a ringing noise within her ears and it was piercing and sharp, almost as unbearable as the pain she was feeling. And then next she could feel the sensation of something digging into her body in an aching manner. After several moments she recognized it to be the seatbelt digging into her neck, chest, and stomach. She felt so broken and battered.

She tried to concentrate on her breathing alone for a few minutes because as it was, it was sporadic and uneven. She didn't want to die just yet considering she was still a teenager and had many, many years to live yet. With great difficulty she got her breathing under control before she decided to move onto something else. Next she tried to open her eyes despite the unbearable sensation of someone pounding a hammer against her head with every throb she felt. When she did manage to open her eyes everything in sight was blurry, unclear to her. It was as if someone had put a hazy curtain over her eyes to ensure she couldn't see much of anything in front of her. Everything was so blurry it made her wonder if something had happened to her vision. She couldn't hear anything passed the loud ringing in her ears so perhaps that meant that there was something wrong with her sense of sound and sight.

When there was nothing else for her to concentrate on the feeling of pain throughout her entire body seemed to magnify tenfold. Everything, from her throbbing head to her bruised stomach, hurt. She had to wonder why she couldn't feel her legs at all. There was no feeling in them whatsoever and it left her wondering in silent terror. She tried to make a sound, to scream, to make sure someone knew that she was trapped in here but she couldn't tell if she was making any noise at all. It was like she was screaming her lungs out only to have it all fall upon deaf ears. It was a terrifying prospect; one she didn't know how to handle at all. She continued to try and scream to make sure somebody, anybody, knew that she was trapped in this stifling car and in undeniable, agonizing pain.

She eventually lost all of the energy that was left in her and she stopped screaming. She was feeling a bit numb now and everything that was once blurry became a dark, cold world where she felt and knew nothing. It was like she was dead. Suddenly out of the darkness came sensations and a bright light. Someone was calling to her but she couldn't understand what the voice was saying to her, telling her to do. It felt like several pairs of hands were grabbing her, pulling her somewhere she didn't know. It was like someone was forcing her to do something she wasn't aware she had to do. After several moments of struggling, her world became complete and utter darkness again.

Just as Finn was about to say something yet again, since it had been five minutes since Quinn had sent her a text her phone started ringing. She looked at it and saw that it was Quinn who was calling her and she picked up. Just as she was about to ask where she was a voice that was most definitely not Quinn's spoke up. "Who is this?"

Rachel was utterly shocked but she responded anyways, "this is Rachel Berry speaking, and who might you be?"

What she heard next made her world break, shatter, smash, explode, crack, splinter into a rumpled mess of a million different pieces. "Your friend has been in a terrible car accident and the last person she had a call from was you from what we saw on her phone. We don't have her ID because we were more concerned with making sure she survived. Her phone was next to her head when we found her in the wrecked car so we took it with us to contact her friends and family." Rachel was absolutely speechless for the first time in her life. She was silent for several moments and his voice came over the phone. "I know this is a lot to take in but we need your cooperation and help so we know who we're working with." There was a single moment of silence before he spoke again, "please give us whatever information you can when you are ready."

Rachel hadn't realized it until then but everyone in the room had taken notice of her phone call and they were all watching her with emotions that ranged from mildly curious to slightly concerned. Rachel paid them no more mind as she took a few deep breaths and let them out slowly. She took one final breath before she spoke up. "Her name … is Quinn Fabray, her birthday is December twelfth 1994, her blood type is AB …" and Rachel continued to list several things that surprised more than half of the people occupying the room. The only people in the room, who weren't shocked, to a certain extent, were Brittany, Santana, and Finn. They knew about the true nature of Rachel's relationship with Quinn but some of the facts she listed off were a bit … extreme for her to know. She knew Quinn's insurance company, which wasn't that strange, but she recited the ID number from it, which was highly unusual and just a bit … creepy.

When Rachel was done listing off information about Quinn Santana immediately asked Rachel what the phone call was all about. Rachel just looked at her, unable to form words. "Hey! I'm talking to you Berry. What's going on with Q?" During the entire time she was speaking on the phone she hadn't really registered it, digested the fact that Quinn was really hurt, terribly injured to the point she was now in the hospital being operated on. Now that she had hot tears made streaks down her cheeks at the thought that she really could potentially lose Quinn forever. Santana started seeing the sudden tears and then Rachel's form crumpled to the ground in a messy, sobbing heap. "Whoa, whoa, whoa … I didn't … I wasn't trying to be mean I ju—"

Rachel interrupted her with a barely coherent sob, "Quinn … she's … sh-she's … i-i-in … the h-h-h-hospital!" Rachel was wailing but attempting speech at the same time which made for messy words.

"Whoa now, slow down chica." Santana thought that over for a few seconds before she amended herself, "well … calm down. I could barely understand a word of what you were trying to say." Santana was showing a bit of her uncharacteristically soft side. "Take a few deep breaths and calm down. Now, slowly tell us what happened to Quinn so you don't freak out." Rachel was having difficulty controlling her breathing with how hard she had been crying. Santana for her part was being patient and understanding, something almost everybody in the room was surprised about, only Brittany knew why Santana was being patient with Rachel.

Rachel took a deep breath before she tried again, despite her uneven, hiccupping breathing. "Quinn … she's had … she's had an, an accident. An EMT grabbed her phone and called the last person to contact her and that was me. He needed information about her so I gave him all of the information I know and … he said … he said that she … she's going to be operated on because of how severe her wounds are!" And Rachel was crying again.

The room was stunned silent by such news. Everyone was reacting in different ways. Santana was in disbelief, Brittany was upset that her bad feelings were right, Mercedes was fighting back tears, Tina was crying freely, Sugar looked lost, Finn was … Finn and looked constipated, Carole looked worried, and Leroy and Hiram were both looking at each other in slight confusion. They weren't sure how their daughter knew so much about the blonde's personal information seeing as they thought she was just another cheerleader to their daughter. They put that aside for the moment considering the situation she was currently in, life or death from what they could tell.

Santana was the first to break the mostly silent room, silent but for Rachel's whimpers, "how … why … not Quinn. This can't … she can't be … no way is she …" the Latina couldn't even form a coherent sentence though not from lack of trying. She was in complete and utter denial because there was no way her HBIC best friend was in a car accident on possibly on the verge of dying right now. There was just no way that was happening or could possibly happen. "She … she's fine. I just saw her in school yesterday! She can't possibly be on her way to the hospital right now and there's no way she was in a car accident! I can't believe … no way Rachel. She's not …" and the look on Rachel's face, the utter despair and devastating agony couldn't be interpreted as anything other than what it was: reality. Her best friend was currently on her way to the hospital because she crashed and she might not make it.

There was silence again after the Latina's outburst before she spoke up again. "You … Rachel … this is all your fault! If she doesn't make it, it's your fault!" Rachel gasped at the accusation and she would have dissented if the Latina had given her any chance to, but she didn't. "You were texting her while she was driving! Quinn _never_ texts back while she's driving. Quinn's a responsible driver but because she saw it was from you she took a chance and now … and now she might be gone forever all thanks to you!" Santana was raging as she spilled secrets that she never had any intention of telling another soul, "You hid behind your feelings and say yes to Finnept and now look at what you've done! You … you couldn't wait for Quinn and now you might never get another chance with her you asshole! She was … she was going to tell you that night she went over to your house but you drove her away before she even had a chance to tell you that she would come out of hiding just for you! Quinn deserves better than someone like you! You think you're the victim? Think again. Quinn is too good for you, Rachel. You were together for years and supposedly so in love with her … but that wasn't good enough because she wouldn't come out!" Santana stormed over to where the brunette was and everyone in the room thought she was about to hit Rachel but instead she spoke in a menacing tone, "she loved you with all of her heart and you broke it, shattered it, destroyed it because she couldn't risk her parents knowing. Do you know that she was willing to let her parents kick her out and do worse when they found out? She was preparing for that but you, you just broke her instead before she could even do it herself for you," was hissed out in barely contained anger and control. Even if Santana had gone for the blow everyone would have been too stunned to step up and save Rachel. There was a single pause before the Latina spoke again, demandingly, "where is she?"

Rachel stood stock still, stunned beyond belief. She had no idea what to say in response but she knew that there was only one thing keeping the Latina from hitting her: her friendship with Quinn. Finally someone else spoke up in this group of silent people, "Rachel, please tell San where Quinn is. Actually we should all go see her because … she needs us … she needs you now more than ever." It was Brittany who spoke and Rachel realized with a sudden start that they should all be with Quinn right now. She nodded with determination shining in the depths of her eyes.

"Okay." And with that single word everyone left the chapel and headed to the hospital holding one Quinn Fabray in the hopes of saving the young woman in terrible need.

There was a flurry of activity when the young blonde came in through the ER doors. She was immediately directed a room with a doctor and one of the EMT's spoke to her in a rushed manner. She nodded along as she continued to listen carefully to what she was being told. They were losing her and they needed to act fast in order for her to survive. Her heart was starting to fail from all of the blood loss. Her face was paler than it had ever been and the doctor rushed over to her side hearing the heart monitor start to speed up exponentially before it dropped to dangerously low beeps.

"200 Joules," she shouted loudly. There was a moment of pause when the heart didn't pick up again she called out once again, "300 Joules!" There was a faint beep, just a lone one, before it went dead again, "350 Joules stat!" And then it started again slowly but surely.

"That was a close one," one of the nurses said in relief. But she wasn't quite out of the woods yet. Quinn lost quite a bit of blood and needed a blood transfusion if she was going to live another day.

The doctor spoke again, aiming her order to a nurse, "go get a bag of blood type AB. We need it for a blood transfusion because she's lost too much blood. Hurry now because she's going to need it within the next few minutes if she's going to survive this." The nurse nodded and ran while the doctor turned to another nurse and directed her, "get her Intravenous Line ready so we can start the transfusion immediately!"

The nurse nodded and quickly sanitized her arm after finding a proper area to stick the needle in. They were all racing against time to save this poor, unfortunate young woman. She was glad, if not saddened, by the fact that her patient was unconscious for this whole process because having a patient awake for all of this would have just made this unbearably horrible situation even worse than it already was.

As soon as the other nurse came back with the bags of blood the transfusion began and her vitals started to pick up slightly from it. There was a chance that they might need to give her a second bag because she had lost a terrible amount of blood. She was so pale and so achingly young and beautiful.

This was no walk in the park but at the very least the young woman's wounds had all nearly stopped bleeding, but for one rather large gash across her wrist and forehead. They had slowed down to a mere trickle but that was still blood coming out from the young woman. She just had to make it through this, she just had to. She was young and she was a fighter from what the doctor could see. They had brought her back from death's door when she first came in and they weren't going to lose her now. Quinn Fabray was going to live no matter what it took the young doctor.

It was quite the sight for the hospital personnel to see this group of people coming in from what looked like a wedding to see a young patient who was just transferred in. They were now all waiting in the waiting room for Quinn to come out of surgery. There was a tenseness to the group of people all dressed up for the wedding that never was. Rachel was pacing back and forth while most everyone else either sat on the chairs or stood in a brooding corner. Santana was standing with her arms crossed, tense and alert, until Brittany pulled her into her arms gently and the Latina finally found it in herself to relax slightly. She leaned back into the embrace and uncrossed her arms in favor of holding onto Brittany's arms like they were her lifeline. Santana needed the support more than anyone else in that room other than Rachel herself.

Tina was talking to Mercedes with a solemn look on her face, Mercedes looked just as grave, Finn still looked constipated, Carole looked even more worried than before, and both the Berry men were whispering to themselves quietly. They were in shock over what had been said earlier, particularly that Rachel wasn't good enough for Quinn. They had never known, or even had any inkling about Rachel's formerly secret relationship with the blonde cheerleader. That hadn't known that she even cared for the blonde so much that she was practically having a panic attack as it was. There was so much that they didn't know about this situation that they were discussing it quietly to themselves.

Leroy started first, "did you have any idea that Rachel was madly in love with this one … this Quinn Fabray if memory serves me correctly?" Seeing Hiram shake his head he continued, "she never talked about her … she never said a word about her. All this time … and she managed to never say anything. She must really love her because Rachel has never been able to keep a secret from us before about anything." Hiram nodded his head in agreement. He was still far too stunned to even utter a word. There was silence between them, "what do you think she's thinking right now?" Hiram could only shrug. The mere thought that Rachel managed to keep her relationship with the blonde hidden for so long was such a shock. She had once told a lie to them and then told them that she was lying to them no sooner than the lie itself left her lips. How could she do something as drastic as hide an entire relationship from both of her fathers like that? He just couldn't understand any of it and so they just sat in silence until he managed to finally speak.

"I guess … she must really, really love her because … she's never kept anything like this from us before. She's never been this way before … I think they must have been fated to love each other like we were. We had to keep us secret for a very long time as well and it nearly tore us apart. Now it's her turn to be tested by Yahweh, whatever it is that he has in mind." There was a pause, "remember that tall blonde one … Brittany?" At Leroy's nod Hiram continued, "she said that Quinn needed us … but then she amended her speech and said that she needed Rachel more than ever. How is it that, Brittany and Santana knew but, we didn't know? They aren't even friends with Rachel but they knew. We should have known about this Leroy! We're her fathers … and yet we didn't even know."

The Berry men lost themselves in their thoughts as their daughter continued to pace and she showed no signs of slowing down.

The doctor who had operated on Quinn finally came into the waiting room to tell the large group what had befallen the young woman Quinn Fabray. "As you all know your friend Quinn Fabray came into the ER about an hour ago. There are several things you need to know …" and Rachel was dreading this news the most. She wanted to know that Quinn was going to be okay … but she didn't know if she was or not.

So here's the latest chapter and I spent the majority of this Friday writing it despite the fact that I'm as sick as I can remember myself being this entire year. I was only sick once earlier this year but this time it's even worse and I believe that it was a combination of both my mother and my sick coworkers. I just started this job too and I don't want to miss work tomorrow but I believe that I have to now.T.T

姫宮光る


	5. Lost My Mind

Chapter 5

Lost My Mind

Rachel ran down the hallway the moment she was allowed into the room with Kurt, Carole, Finn, Santana, and Brittany right behind her.

The news had been bad when they first heard it and it still sounded bad now that they had had time to adjust to it. Quinn suffered severe head trauma so the chances of some kind of brain damage was high and that could mean a number of things. Rachel didn't like any of the things she had heard but the worst of it was her knowing that there was a high possibility of Quinn losing her memory. That was just one of the possibilities the doctor had told them would come from the brain damage. A few other rather scary possibilities had been losing her mobility in some way, becoming a different person, and losing one of her senses being the most probable. Rachel didn't like any of those possibilities in the slightest because it was just too cruel and unfair to Quinn to have to go through any of those things after all she had already been through. Rachel took comfort in the fact that Quinn, at the very least, was still alive and they said she was going to make it but with many scars and it would take weeks for her broken body to mend.

The image presented before her was almost a peaceful one if not for the many lacerations and bruises covering her love's body. Quinn had always been an angel to Rachel, an angelic vision like no other. Quinn's beauty never ceased to amaze her because she was a beauty like no other in this world and she looked good in any era of time from what Rachel could see and very few could be said to look that beautiful. Only her Quinn could be a Greek Goddess, a classic beauty from the 1950's era of crime mysteries, a flapper from the early 1900's, or even a royal princess from the 19th century even. Quinn's beauty was unmatched in Rachel's eyes but it wasn't the only thing the blonde had that drew Rachel to her so fiercely, so strongly. It was the personality and intelligence underneath the mask of aloof indifference that had Rachel falling for her so deeply. Quinn's intelligence was what had her being at the top of the class and Rachel was only second to her by a mere .015 in GPA standards. Rachel swore it had to have been that single class of extreme uselessness academically … _gym_. Back to the point though the blonde was an absolute catch in every way and she chose Rachel and all Rachel had done was taken Quinn for granted and now she might lose the blonde forever.

Brittany and Santana stood on the right side of the bed, looking down at their broken best friend. Kurt was standing at the foot of the bed, watching Rachel's reaction and facial expressions closely. He had suspected that something was going on between Quinn and Rachel for the last year and a half or so but he never found the proof he had been waiting for to confirm his suspicions. Now though, he knew for sure what had been going on between his best friend and the blonde cheerleader who held her heart in now broken hands. Kurt couldn't believe that in just a day everything had changed. He had thought that all of his suspicions were unfounded when Rachel and Finn had announced their impending wedding. And then when the day came it turned out he wasn't wrong at all and Quinn really had been dating Rachel in secret for years apparently according to Santana. They were no new couple and it was obvious from the distress Santana had shown when she had accidentally outed the couple for what they were: lovers. This entire situation was quite bizarre and he would have reflected his confusion if he hadn't been so numb from having a dear friend lying in a hospital bed as broken as she was. He could only hope now that she would come out of it okay, especially for Rachel's sake because she looked so torn.

Rachel was now dressed in clothes her fathers had brought to the hospital for her to change into after it was apparent that they would be in the waiting room for more than just a few hours and a few of the teens had their parents do the same. Quinn's father had been absent from the visitor's list and Quinn's mother seemed to be taking it hard because she couldn't bring herself to come in with the group now in the hospital room. She was still in disbelief over the entire ordeal and she looked just as broken and fragile as her daughter was in the emotional sense to Quinn's physical condition. The woman, whose stoic demeanor matched Quinn's perfectly, was sincerely and completely agonized over the entire situation. She had almost lost her daughter to a car accident after all and she wasn't quite prepared to face that truth just yet. After the scum had kicked Quinn out after she got pregnant Judy Fabray decided that she was going to _kick him_ out for it. She divorced the man after she found out and made sure he would never step foot in her house ever again as long as she lived. She had been out of town for a business trip for a month and when she came back to see her drunk husband in the house without their daughter she had been livid. The house was hers to begin with so he had absolutely no choice in the matter. He said that he had changed though and he seemed okay so she accepted him back into her life just a few weeks ago. Little did she know that the only thing that had changed was he didn't interact with Quinn at all because of the risk he ran of being kicked out again by her. He didn't have the money to live in the same luxury and he would lose his job at the firm if his in laws heard about another mishap.

Now after having her daughter back for the briefest of reprieves she was faced with potentially losing her again in a different sense. She couldn't believe what that doctor had said would be the potential aftermath of the accident. There were so many things that were high possibilities of happening to her daughter that she was in deep and utter despair because it now all seemed so hopeless. Yes her daughter was alive but … she was a broken child who barely survived the crash. She had been saved by the fact that the Emergency responders had been able to arrive on the scene so quickly. The other driver had come out of the accident with lacerations no deeper than skin deep but her daughter … her Quinnie the Pooh was lying in a bed broken. How could this happen to her, to them? How could her God possibly be so cruel to her by doing something like this to the most important person in her life? Her oldest daughter hated her and now the daughter who loved her was potentially going to lose so many things that meant so much to her.

Rachel stood to lose so much but the one thought that kept her going was that the love of her life was still alive and that was what counted more than anything. She was sitting in the room with her, reminiscing about some moments in the past between them. There was a time when Quinn felt lost and hopeless and she joined the school's very own notorious Skanks. The only one who had come to her in her time of need had been Rachel herself. Brittany and Santana just let her deal with things however she saw fit but Rachel couldn't bear the thought of Quinn going down the wrong path she had been going. Rachel reached out to her that day and what Quinn had said in response had hurt her deeply but she knew as much as she was hurting Quinn was hurting even worse. Rachel pushed her pain aside and sought to turn Quinn's hopelessness into strength.

Another memory broke through the fog and this time it was when they had sung together. They sang a song that meant so much to them. Quinn, as beautiful as she was, was insecure about her looks sometimes being the only thing she had going for her and sometimes just the thought of Rachel made her feel so ugly. The feelings of insecurity became worse because here Rachel was selfless and forgiving whereas Quinn was cruel and manipulative at times. The comparisons sometimes brought Quinn to a dark place and for Rachel she felt ugly compared to her angelic Quinn. Quinn was absolutely beautiful in every way to Rachel and sometimes she felt like she couldn't possibly compare to her beauty. Quinn was rich and popular, things Rachel was not. Rachel was by no means poor but she didn't have a fabulously wealthy family like Quinn. Despite all of the obstacles trying to keep them apart they found each other and fell in love with each other. They fell irrevocably in love with each other and now they both stood to lose so much.

There was a moment during their sophomore year when Rachel had thought she was alone in the auditorium and she had been singing about the impossible feelings she had for the blonde when the object of her desire waltzed in and startled her. She had been so wrapped up in the feelings she was singing about that when the blonde spoke it was the biggest surprise and then … and then? Quinn asked her who she was singing about and Rachel hadn't been able to answer her at that time but it was like the blonde knew then somehow anyways. It was not long after that incident that had started their secret dating and it was the most wonderful time … Rachel had been at her happiest then. It wasn't like they didn't have their ups and downs … she just couldn't remember being any happier than when she was with Quinn.

Rachel had been lost in her thoughts and memories when a voice broke the bubble she had fallen into. "You to have to choose eventually," it was Finn. He was leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed as he looked into the room. Rachel didn't have to ask what he was talking about. She knew all too well what he was referring to and she knew that he was right. She did need to choose but she knew that her heart had already chosen … her mind though … that was a different story. This was a tough decision and she needed to think it through thoroughly before she chose anything. She knew who she wanted desperately so to go to but … she wasn't even awake to hear her … when she woke up she might not even remember her.

Rachel didn't even know what to say to Finn in response and before long he just left leaving Rachel to drown in even more memories of her time with Quinn. The blonde had left a whole in her heart a few times but she would then sew it back together and make her whole once again. They just had to make it and be together somehow in the end, there had to be something more for them.

Rachel was just trying to make it through the day when she walked by Finn's locker and he called out to her. "Do you remember what I said to you Rachel?" He was looking for something in his messy locker when he addressed her.

"Of course Finn and I'm thinking about everything carefully. I … love her you know … with all my heart. I love her with all my heart, mind, and soul, with every fiber of my being. I love her more than the air I breathe and she … she's the one … she's _it_ for me. I know all of this but … she let me go so easily … she just … she _let me go_ Finn. I had thought that she would fight for me, for our love but … she didn't and she just let me go to you. I … felt so betrayed and heartbroken. I know that she's my destiny, that we were meant to be … fated to fall in love with each other. There was something when we first met and now it's become the greatest love I have ever felt in my entire life. She makes me so happy and I've never felt so passionate about anything in my life before … not even Broadway can compare to this love I've found in and with her. She transcends all of the crushes and every person I've ever dated … she's perfect for me." Finn was becoming angrier and angrier with every word that left Rachel's mouth because now he understood what he was: a fucking gay beard. He had thought that they weren't together when she was dating him but now he saw it clearly, he had been their disguise.

Finn's face showed his anger as he spoke, "you can't admit to everybody that you're in love with Quinn … and she might not love you back." And Rachel looked back with sorrow in her eyes. She had never meant to hurt him because he was a friend to her even if she didn't love him like she loved Quinn. Her love for him was purely platonic and she couldn't help that she found her one, her _only_ one, by the time she was a fifteen year old sophomore in high school. He couldn't possibly fault her for that but she understood that she had betrayed him in the worst way she could by using him as she had. She wanted to apologize but he slammed his locker shut and walked away before she could and she was left feeling guilty for everything she had done to him. It truly wasn't fair to him and she could do no more than apologize with all of the sincerity in her heart for what she had done.

Rachel went through the rest of the day like a zombie because she was so worried about Quinn. That and she also felt quite guilty about Finn. She was trying to do her homework but everything in her room reminded her of Quinn. Her desk was where Quinn would sometimes stand behind her and look over her shoulder to watch her as she did homework. She remembered how Quinn once pulled her body up so that she was flush against the back of the chair and her arms had covered hers, easily putting a stop to all of Rachel's movement. She then had Rachel drop her mechanical pencil and began playing a melody through her fingers that only she could hear and Rachel had never felt quite so awed and turned on by something so simple. And that memory led to another memory that wasn't nearly as pleasant. It was one of their past arguments about coming out.

They were in the Berry household during one of their secret meetings and Quinn was speaking passionately about why she couldn't come out.

"Oh, you are so naïve. This whole school is about labels!" Quinn was looking at Rachel with incredulity as Rachel looked back with determination. All Quinn wanted was a quiet and peaceful life at school so neither of her parents would ever find out how in love she was with the most forbidden person to them, to her father mostly. She wasn't sure what her mother would think but she knew that she would never kick her out … or at least she hoped that and believed that her mother was above it. She was especially hopeful because of how angry she had been over her drunkard father kicking her out of the house the way he had just a little over two years ago. She was still hurting over that and Rachel only knew too well what Quinn was so afraid of but she was pushing her again. She understood everything Quinn risked to lose just by being with her, Quinn was risking everything she had literally and figuratively … all for Rachel.

Rachel was just as passionate, "I don't care!" Rachel took a moment to look at Quinn with all of the love and compassion she held for her. Rachel's entire demeanor showed nothing but the love she felt for Quinn and felt it so strongly that she couldn't deny that there was something more to their love. She could not deny that for them … they were _it_ for each other in every way, in every sense of the word. There were no ifs, ands, buts about it and they both knew it in that moment of spoken passion.

Quinn was looking at her with soft eyes now. She hardly dared to breathe as she whispered softly into the space between them, "really?" A pause, "you don't care?" and there was a small smile forming on the corner of her lips and there was almost a painful hope in her eyes as she looked into Rachel's heated and steady gaze, her dark chocolate anchors.

"I don't care about anybody but you," she uttered more softly and gently than her passionate outburst only moments before. And then someone came in and ruined their moment of peaceful bliss. They were so concentrated on each other that they hadn't realized that someone had been ringing the doorbell and knocking before just barging in when they found the door to be unlocked. They were both standing in the middle of Rachel's kitchen when she noticed the tall teen waltz into their private moment and she knew he had overheard her from the look on his face. And she quickly tried to come up with an explanation for why they were at her house talking, especially since Quinn supposedly hated her so much. "Finn … Quinn and I were just talking about … what song we should sing for Glee. You know how Mr. Schue assigned us as partners for the duets and we were just coming up with a song and I figured I should give Quinn a snack to eat before she went home." Quinn just smiled and nodded in response, unsure of how her voice would sound if she spoke now.

Finn's eyebrow was raised in a slightly dubious look but he just shrugged it off. "Okay. That's cool. I just thought it was weird that Quinn was in here with you." He paused and another thought hit him. "Oh, uh, sorry for, uh … well coming in like this. I kept ringing the doorbell and knocking but you didn't answer and the door was unlocked." Finn said sheepishly. He hadn't meant to just barge in but he figured if the door was unlocked then she was home.

"It's okay Finn but next time, please don't just come barging into my house like that. It's considered breaking and entering, Finn. Now if you'll excuse us we still need to work on our Glee assignment." And with that Rachel lead him out to the door and making sure it was locked this time before going back to Quinn. "Now, where were we?" And with that she pressed a kiss to Quinn's lips before attempting to pull away but Quinn pulled her back in for a much longer and heated kiss before pulling away. Rachel was breathless and in a slight daze from the unexpected passion between them. "What was that for?" she asked once she got her bearings together.

Quinn merely shrugged and kissed her again … and again … and again and the rest is history.

Quinn was dreaming and remembering something. She was standing in a hallway talking to someone extremely tall. He towered several inches above her height and he was warning her to stay away from someone named Rachel and she was giving him a death glare in response. After he disappeared down a hallway she brought her eyes over to the subject of their conversation. She wondered who this 'Finn' and 'Rachel' were. She didn't know why the one named 'Finn' had been acting so protectively of the one named 'Rachel' when only moments after his retreat she sought her out and they were kissing … among other things. They missed class to have some intimate alone time together from what she could see in this scene and then it was over, it was gone.

Rachel was looking at Quinn's still body, her eyes closed in sleep still as she continued to recover from the accident. Just looking at how broken and bruised Quinn was, was breaking Rachel's heart. There were several lacerations on her face from the glass that had shattered and cut across her face. There was one severe looking gash that must have been from a large shard of glass cutting into Quinn's forehead. Then there were the bruises over her exposed arms as they lay overtop the thin blanket they had laying across her sleeping form. Quinn had never looked so small and fragile and it was causing Rachel an ache she had never felt before. Rachel didn't know how much more of this she could take, seeing her love so broken and helpless like this. She felt her heart clench at the thought of losing her in more ways than one and she knew that she wouldn't be able to handle it if she lost her because of how selfish she had been.

Santana's words from that day still rang in her head clearly. Quinn had been willing to come out just for her and she had turned her away. She hadn't known but … if only she had held on for just a little bit longer things would have been completely different … this never would have happened to Quinn if it hadn't been for her. Santana was right in saying that it was all her fault that it had happened. She shouldn't have let Quinn go so easily … it was all Rachel's fault they went through all of this heartbreak and she was only just realizing it for the first time. The only reason Quinn had even gotten into an accident was because _Rachel_ chose to say yes to Finn and Quinn was only trying to support her by going to her wedding. It was all essentially a result of the decisions Rachel had made in the past few weeks and she knew this now, realized it for what it was worth now. Because of the choices she made against the love she was destined for her love's life was on the line now … all because she had taken Quinn for granted. She closed her eyes and clenched her hands into fists at the thought of how absolutely horrible she had been to Quinn these last few months.

Rachel felt so alone and unsure about everything now, now that everyone knew about what had transpired between Quinn and herself. Finn knew and that alone was the worst part about it all because he kept pressuring her to pick between them and there really was no choice because her heart had chosen for her a long time ago. Rachel was so lost in her sorrow that she didn't realize how upset she had become until she realized that there were arms wrapping around her. They were familiar and warm and they made her feel better to be wrapped in them. It was Kurt holding her and it felt like heaven, paradise, compared to the hell that she had been facing alone without Quinn by her side. She needed him now more than ever and he was there for her and that made her feel only the slightest bit better about her situation. She was waiting for the love of her life to wake up after all so not much could make that situation any better shy of Quinn opening her eyes and telling her that she still loved her and remembered her.

"I … feel like I've lost my mind Kurt … like everything is slipping right through my hands like grains of sand being blown away by a storm!" Rachel burrowed into his shoulder, "I feel like I'm losing everything because she hasn't woken up yet and Finn keeps telling me to choose between them but … how can I? I already chose a long time ago didn't I?" Rachel was hysterical and she really did feel as if she was losing her mind with all of her stress and worry over Quinn being in the responsible and it was even worse because she hadn't woken up yet.

Kurt nodded his head. "Don't mind Finn … he just wants to know because he feels as if you _shouldn't_ have to choose between them … that the obvious choice should be him. He thinks that Quinn was faking it and that she never really loved you because of everything that has happened between you in this hallowed halls. He thinks by making you really think about it should obviously be him you choose … but even I know that that won't be the case because I thought for the longest time that there was something more between all of your heated gazes in the hallways. There was always love showing through in some gestures she had made that proved that she was more in love with you than she was willing to admit to the student body. It was especially obvious the one time we were in the choir room back in sophomore year and she drew that ugly picture of you with at least 20 hearts surrounding it. And then there was the Glee Club photo … she somehow convinced Sue Sylvester of all people to include it even though you were the only one who wanted it … it was always hidden but there in every gesture somehow." Rachel nodded and found herself actually feeling much better than she had anticipated she would.

"Thank you Kurt … for everything. You don't know how much this means to me." Rachel thought back to a memory of when she was just standing by the lockers much the same way she had once seen Quinn standing in. She had looked lost and hurt … well to Rachel she had, to any other onlooker she looked like she was deep in thought, pensive. That was how well Rachel knew Quinn.

"It's going to be okay sweetie." Kurt said as he rubbed her back reassuringly.

Quinn was having another dream that was almost like a memory. Quinn was following after Rachel after having argued with her about something. Rachel was walking away as Quinn came after her.

"Okay, fine. I still love you, okay, is that what you want to hear?" Rachel asked heatedly. She was upset with Quinn for having denied her request yet again. It was like déjà vu because it wasn't the first time they had argued about such things. Quinn managed to catch up to her and grab her by the arm. "What? You won't let me walk away so what do you want me to say?" Rachel was exasperated with the situation, "you want me to say I'm sorry and that you're right?" There was a fire in Quinn's eyes as she denied it vehemently and tried to speak to Rachel.

"No that is not what I want and you know it. I know you're tired of fighting but so am I. I don't like it when we fight and I know you don't either … it just seems like you're not really listening to everything I'm saying sometimes and I just want you to hear me out, completely. That's all I want Rachel." Quinn was looking at Rachel imploringly but when Rachel just looked back with anger smoldering in her eyes Quinn let her go and started walking away.

"Quinn, please don't … walk away." It was the remorse in Rachel's tone that stopped Quinn and she turned around and looked at Rachel expectantly. "Let's talk about this please? Not out here though. I don't want anyone walking by while we talk." And with that they moved their talk to the bathroom and Quinn distracted herself by putting some touch ups on her makeup while Rachel spoke. "You know what it means to me having to hide even one part of who I am. My fathers … they feel so much pride in the love that they share for each other. I just … I want to know why we can't have that, why we can't be the same way and say 'who cares!' if someone says something to us about our love for each other. You know how in all of those old movies I watched … the romance is … is passionate and-and true and … that was all they needed. As long as they had each other nothing could tear them apart, nothing could tear them down. I want to fall in love like those old movies and not care about what other people have to say about it, about us Quinn."

Quinn was listening and she had long since finished with her makeup and she had her back to the sink now as she looked into Rachel's pleading eyes. "I can't do this." She looked into Rachel's eyes with a fear that Rachel had never seen in her eyes before. "Can we please … just drop it for now, just for now?" Quinn asked with a hopeful smile on her face. Rachel looked back with a small smile in return.

"Okay." And that was all they needed to say for now.

Rachel was watching Quinn as she stood over the bed, her fingers tracing Quinn's warm hand softly when her eyes opened.

So this is the newest chapter in the series! I apologize for it taking longer than the other updates but I did have a very busy week the week before and then I had to write the chapter of my other story, Finding You, and so here we are. I hope this chapter doesn't disappoint and it's almost 1,000 words longer than the other chapter was! Thank you all for your patience and I hope I get some nice reviews for this chapter!^^

姫宮光る


	6. Who Are You?

Chapter 6

Who Are You?

Quinn woke up to the sensation of a finger tracing her hand. She opened her eyes to find a gorgeous young woman looking down at her with worry in her eyes. She had been blurry when she first opened her eyes but her vision cleared after a few moments and now she saw with clear, vivid details a beautiful young woman, one that made her chest ache for some reason. She wasn't sure what she was feeling but there was a certain kind of throbbing in her chest when she looked at her. It was a strange sensation but it wasn't anything remotely similar to pain that she felt … it just was. When the brunette's eyes shifted away only to shift back and then shift away once again before it settled back on her she wondered why she was acting so guilty. Whatever her reason she would have to find out later because there was a much more pressing issue at hand … she didn't know who this beautiful person was.

"Who … are you? You look familiar for some reason but I … I don't know why. There … there's this strange … throbbing in my chest just from looking at you but … it doesn't hurt … it's just there and I want to know why." Quinn's words were marked by much hesitation but they were firm and strong. She was hesitant in every way but she somehow managed to show that she was strong in spite of her feelings of uncertainty.

Rachel looked back down at her with hidden distress, using every bit of acting talent she had not to look devastated. "You mean to say … you don't … remember who I am at all Quinn?" She tried to look reassuring but didn't quite manage to have it translate on her facial features.

Quinn pushed herself up with only slight difficulty; her upper body was bruised but was nothing in comparison to her lower half, and put her weight on her right arm as she looked at the obviously distressed brunette in front of her. For some reason there was a heavy feeling in her heart as she spoke the words that just sealed the agony in the eyes of this familiar but unknown beauty. She shook her head, "no … I'm sorry but I don't. I don't remember who you are but you … you seem familiar to me for some reason. I feel like I know you … it is like there's something inside of me screaming at me … telling me that I know you … that I care about you more than I can remember." There was a pause as disappointment and pain flashed across her face before she nodded her head in acceptance. "I … I do know you don't I?" Rachel was leaving now before Quinn could see how much she wanted to cry, see the true extent of her brokenness.

Quinn was left alone in the hospital room wondering who that young woman was. She had left her with feelings of fluttering butterflies in her stomach with how beautiful she was and a quick heartbeat that refused to slow down even though it had been several minutes since she left the room. It was all so confusing and strange. Before she could really register everything that had occurred between them a nurse came in because Rachel had informed her that Quinn was awake and not long after a doctor followed to see how badly her memory had been affected by the accident. She was asked what the last thing she remembered was and it was the day before she started high school. She had Anterograde Amnesia, meaning she had lost recent memories from before the accident occurred that was so great it reached to nearly four years worth of memories. She knew who she was but some of the people she knew now she wouldn't remember and she also did not remember the child she gave birth to either.

She was introduced to several people she found familiar but did not recognize as people she knew in the next few days. She remembered her best friends Brittany and Santana but she didn't recognize a very tall boy with rather vacant and constipated expressions on his face often. She didn't recognize the mohawked boy who had a serious leering problem when he was around Brittany and Santana but was somber when he addressed her. She also met another boy who had a very feminine voice and was obviously gay with his boyfriend in tow who was only apparently gay when his wardrobe was actually taken into consideration. He was a bit short for a guy too but that was a side note in everything. And then there was a tall Asian standing next to his much shorter girlfriend. They were nice and had apparently prepared her favorite sushi by hand, via Tina's mother of course. And then there was a black girl and a blonde boy. The black girl had a sassy attitude that left Quinn feeling that ping of familiarity, as all the others had, but no memories surfaced in her mind.

All in all they all left her feeling upset that she couldn't remember any of them. She was, for all intents and purposes, her much kinder middle school self. She hadn't shifted into her Ice Queen persona until her sophomore year of high school. Things were much simpler then but at the same time there were still complexities about that time in her life. She had no idea that her father no longer lived with her because of the apathy he had shown in lieu of her accident. Her mother had been fed up with his lackadaisical attitude towards the daughter he almost lost and he was once again in the dog house and he was no longer welcome back because she had already given him a second chance. Everything was so confusing and strange to Quinn who could not remember anything in the last four years despite the fact that she had tried for several days now. She wasn't allowed to discharge from the hospital until her body was healed better because as it was her legs were severely bruised and fractured while her upper body was in much better shape but still in no condition for her to truly move around in. She needed more time to heal even though her body had been doing quite well in its healing process from the coma she had been in after barely being saved by the medical team at the Lima Hospital.

Quinn hadn't seen the beautiful and nameless brunette since she woke up and she felt disappointed knowing that she hadn't come to visit her since she initially woke up. She had been told that she didn't wake up for ten days, the first four of which she had been in the ICU and on a family visitation only basis. It had driven Santana up the wall and when she was on the verge of going through a very well thought out plan of breaking into the hospital just to visit her she had been moved into a hospital room, thus allowing other visitors. The only person who had been aware of her plans to some extent had been Puck because he had overheard her muttering to herself and had to put a few puzzle pieces together to understand her mumbles. He would have helped when the time came but it never saw fruition and so that little drama had been avoided splendidly.

Quinn had a few visitors in the form of some friends she did remember and a great many she did not but each day when she saw that none of them were the brunette she so desperately wished to see she was disappointed. She had been hoping to see her day after day but the longer she waited the more she came to realize that she was not going to visit. For some reason she could not fathom it hurt her more than anything, there was a pain in her chest. She was starting to wonder if that young woman had just been a figment of her imagination or not when someone interrupted her thought process.

"You're thinking about her aren't you?"

She looked up startled at the sound of someone else's voice when she had been alone so far today. "What are you talking about Santana?"

"You're thinking about her … the one who never visits you … I'm right aren't I?" The tone she spoke with suggested that she knew the answer to the question already.

Quinn could only nod and wonder how Santana knew exactly what it was she had been thinking without her ever expressing these thoughts out loud to anyone.

"She's … she's been having a hard time fighting her natural instincts to come and see you and baby you. She wants you to remember her first before she approaches you so she can apologize." There was a slight pause and the silence was a little numbing, "she wants you to remember so she can tell you that she loves you again," Santana whispered.

Quinn almost didn't hear what Santana had whispered but she managed to hear it because it was otherwise silent in the room. She wanted to ask so many questions but none would slip passed her dry lips. "She blames herself for your accident you know?" Santana's voice finally broke the silence that had fallen between them.

"It's my fault she thinks that she is responsible for all of this and … as much as I hate her sometimes … she doesn't deserve to think that way." Quinn was stunned. In the last ten minutes she had learned more about the mysterious brunette that had captured her attention than she thought she would ever know. A question she could ask occurred to her then and came flowing much more easily than any other question she had tried to voice.

"Did I know her well?" It was a question that was important in so many ways. It would define her as more than just a girl she saw once before she disappeared those two long weeks ago.

Santana nodded, contemplating what she would say. She wanted to make sure she didn't cross any lines or boundaries because this was their mess, not hers. She was Switzerland in all of this.

"How well … because I … she feels so familiar and … it's like some part of me has been screaming for her to come back so we can talk … just so I can see her again." There was as pause. "I've seen her in these weird … dreams I've been having but … when I wake up I only remember seeing her face." There was another pause when she spoke again, "it's like … I'm under the surface of what is really happening when I dream about her. I … I know who she is and it seems like she's important to me but I don't know why she seems to mean so much to me." There was a third pause before she whispered into the room, "I've been … having dreams about her." Quinn was looking at her hands lying in her lap as she spoke, "and I've … I've been wondering why I'm around her so much in my dreams if I can't even remember her."

Quinn had had several dreams about her now. They had been dreams of when they fought, when they were together, when they were smiling … and even of them kissing each other. Quinn wanted to know everything about why she kept having these dreams when she couldn't ever remember having done any of those things. She'd had a dream almost every night of this girl she couldn't remember the name of but woke up gasping and remembering the sensation of their lips meeting softly some times and passionately others. It was all so confusing but exhilarating at the same time somehow. She just wanted to know more about this diva only Santana had spoken about so far. No one else had mentioned her once other than her.

There was silence as Santana pondered what to do at this junction. Santana knew she held a lot of power in what she chose to say and in what she chose to leave out. She held all of the cards in her hands right now. It was strange because she was used to always having the blonde one step ahead of her instead but it was a good strange. "You know her … you know her better than anyone else in school. You … care about her … a lot." Santana stopped there because she didn't want to reveal too much and become another country fighting instead. "Look, Q, I gotta go now. I have to go to Cheerios afternoon practice. Coach delayed morning practice because she wanted to visit her sister's grave today since it's … the anniversary … and if I'm late … she'll kill me if I'm lucky anyways." Santana nodded towards Quinn before admitting something that she normally would not have. "I miss you, Q. Get better all right?" And with that she left Quinn alone to ruminate in her thoughts.

She knew Santana was holding something back from her because of the way she had stopped after almost every sentence she spoke to think about what she should say next. It was like she was choosing what she would reveal to her and what she would not say for whatever reason it might be. She could see it in the way that Santana kept pausing to ponder her next words … to cogitate over what might be too much and what would be okay to say. Quinn wondered why she even had to consider what she said and why she was keeping certain things from her while revealing others, however small it may be. It was like she was trying to protect her from something. She had also said that wanted her to remember who she was first before she would come back to her. She never mentioned her name and that was yet another omission on Santana's part for whatever reason she had for keeping so much from her.

She needed to figure this all out, she wanted to for the sake of her peace of mind.

Quinn was finally walking the halls of McKinley high school again when something happened. She had a memory flash through her while she was awake for the first time and it stopped her in her tracks. She had been looking right at _her_ when it happened and she had been looking through things in her locker when it happened. Quinn stopped moving and leaned against the lockers for support as she felt _something_ go through her, a feeling of nostalgia.

She was sitting next to the blonde boy who visited her in the hospital and her … she was singing to her. She was looking up at her like she only had eyes for her as she sang.

She looked up from where she was leaning against the lockers and their eyes met before she was pulled away into another memory.

She was standing on a stage looking down into a crowd and she had her eyes on that young woman. A look had crossed between them and the brunette smiled at her warmly. She was the only one she saw in that moment. It was a moment just between them and no one else saw it pass between them. It was as if … they were secret lovers that only they knew about.

When she came back to reality she had a hand clutched against her head as it pounded and throbbed in a way that caused her to feel weak. She needed the lockers to support her then more than ever as she felt her knees grow weak. Before she managed to hit the floor someone's strong arms wrapped around her waist and kept her from falling like she originally thought she would. These warm arms felt familiar … it was like her body recognized them because she instinctively curled into whoever it was. She knew without looking that it was in fact the brunette who had refused to visit her … or rather avoided visiting her because she wanted her to remember.

Once she regained her bearings she moved back and stood up with her barely-there strength and looked upon the vision of beauty that was the captor of her heart.

Rachel had yet to let go of her grip around Quinn's waist just in case she was in danger of falling once again. They looked at each other for a long moment, just watching each other like they were captivated by what they saw. And then Rachel spoke up. "Are you okay now?" Her voice was soft and full of caring and full of an emotion Quinn wanted to identify but could not manage to in that moment because she was still so lost. She didn't know what it was about those dark chocolate orbs that held her so captive but she knew that it had something to do with the fact that they had kissed before.

Quinn could only nod in response and before she could even ask her what her name was she was gone with a kiss to her cheek. Too soon those lips left her and the person those lips belonged to were long gone as well. She was left stunned and wondering even more still what it was that was going on between them.

It had been a couple of weeks since the incident in the hallway and Quinn was slowly regaining some of the memories she had lost and she knew that she was in Glee Club as a member. That was why she had been on a stage in the first place singing and then looking right at _her_. She had received an acceptance letter from Yale and she told everyone in Glee about it and they were all excited for her. She saw the slightly drawn look on _her_ face as she clapped and she wanted to approach her and ask her why she had such a look on her beautiful face.

Another memory took hold of her mind then. It seemed like every time she looked right into _her_ eyes a memory bounded from behind her eyelids, in her mind's eye, of them together or interacting in some way. In this short memory she had spoken while she was looking at her from behind and it ended with her looking up at her with an almost curious glance. Quinn didn't know what to make of these memories that she kept seeing, kept finding every time she looked at her.

She was wandering the halls, lost in thought as she thought back to _her_ and everything she seemed to mean. There was something in the way she kept looking at her, something in the way that the memories seemed to be trying to scream at her. There had been memories of them smiling together happily, stolen moments away from prying eyes in the halls, sweet and passionate kisses, arguments over something she couldn't remember. There were so many things that she kept seeing every time their eyes met that was pleading with her to understand, to realize, to rediscover something so important her memories kept pointing them out to her. Quinn didn't know what to make of all of this, all of these memories flooding her slowly.

A memory that had broken her up the week before was one of when she had given birth to a child. She wondered where that child was now because she certainly didn't have any children in her mother's house as it was right now. Her mother had never mentioned any babies in the house and neither had she even seen any photos that suggested there was a child living in the mansion she lived in. She didn't even know who the father of the child was either because none of the boys she had been reacquainted with had introduced themselves as the father of her child. She knew it had to have been one of them because no other boys had approached her while she was still in the hospital or even now after she started school again. One of them had to be the father but she didn't want to talk about these memories that kept showing up. It wasn't as if she could just come up to one of the guys and say 'I've been getting my memories back and one of them was that I have a baby. So, are you the father?' It wasn't as if she could do that … or show up on the Maury Show either. That would be even worse and she wouldn't be able to save face either. She wasn't about to ask her mother just because that would have been too much.

Every time she thought about that tiny, tan, and obviously Jewish brunette something in her mind resonated and her heart beat faster. They were all signs pointing to something she knew meant more than just friendship between both of them. It had to be more than just friendship from the loving looks and the sometimes longing gazes they aimed at each other when no one else seemed to be paying attention. Quinn left those thoughts to fester until she bumped into someone.

"I'm sorry. I wasn't paying attention," she said softly.

The tall boy with perfectly coiffed hair looked at her with a slightly bewildered look. "Oh, uh, it's okay." He was obviously surprised at the fact that she had apologized because normally she would have screamed at him to watch where he was going. Well the HBIC version of her would anyways. This memory loss version was turning out to be much kinder and introverted at times from what he had seen of her so far. "Hey, are you okay? You look a little lost and … serious." His high pitched voice brought her out of her thoughts and she looked at him hesitantly before she nodded her head slightly.

"Yeah … I just … I keep … every time I look at _her_," she nodded her head to the brunette standing at the water fountain and taking a drink, "I remember something. It's like … it seems as if my mind is trying to … no imploring me to remember something about her. I want to ask her so many things but … I know she wants me to remember her first before I can ask about anything." There was a pause before she mentioned what Santana had told her. "Santana did tell me something though. She told me that Rachel blames herself for what happened to me … for the accident but she never told me why exactly it was that she blames herself. She also told me that she was the one who convinced _her_ that she was the reason for my accident."

Kurt was confused but slowly the bits and pieces Quinn had given him made sense to him in a way that gave him excitement. He knew what Santana was doing and he knew why Quinn's subconscious was fighting so hard for her to remember what it was she had forgotten. Santana's game was keeping Quinn in the dark so she figured it out on her own and Quinn's mind itself was asking her to remember her forgotten love. It was easily an epic romance in the making and he hoped he would be able to see it all play out before the school year ended in the next two months.

Kurt cleared his throat as it seemed that the blonde had become lost in her thoughts again, or perhaps it was another memory dredging up from the far reaches of her mind. Whatever it was she was lost in it. "What I can tell you without giving too much away is that Rachel had been texting you while you were driving. I don't want to say more lest Santana rip me limb from limb for saying too much since she seems to want you to remember on your own as well." He paused as she took it all in. "Look … we were never really all that close but … I know you can do this, I know you'll be all right in the end because you're Quinn freaking Fabray and you're a fighter and survivor. You're one of the strongest people I know especially after everything you've gone through in these last three years. You've been through more than most teens have ever had to go through and you survived it even though at one point you went off the deep end and did crazy things. You still came back a fighter and strong in the end and now you're here. You survived a terrible car accident and even though some of your memories have vanished you're still here and you're still fighting and I know that you will fight until the end because you are you: Quinn Fabray." Kurt's speech was very passionate and inspiring. It left the blonde near tears hearing such wonderful things from someone who had said they weren't exactly close.

She was extremely grateful for all of the kind words he had to say to her. From what she could remember she knew she hadn't been the kindest person to him in the past and she was sometimes downright cruel. She had slushie attacks thrown at people and she had done so to that brunette she seemed to care about so much. She had done a lot of things she wasn't proud of to see in her slowly returning memories. She had been the HBIC of McKinley from what she saw but not just that … she had also sold Santana out to be the Head Cheerio at one point. Santana got over it eventually but it was still not something easy to see. Her dearest friend had become a distant friend during high school. Only Brittany had stayed a constant true friend in everything that had happened.

For the rest of the day the brunette avoided her like she usually did and Quinn was left pondering what it was she could possibly feel the need to apologize for if not the accident's occurrence. If it had simply been that, she would have approached her already from what the blonde remembered of the confident and voracious brunette. No there had to be something else in play in order for the brunette to avoid her so other than the incident that had occurred earlier. Quinn wanted the answers to all of the questions clouding her mind and entering her subconscious at every turn.

Later that night Quinn had another very vivid memory about the brunette. She knew her name was Rachel by now but she didn't know her last name. She had a dream about herself being a little bit younger than she was now. She woke up from her dream panting and gasping for air with an undeniable ache and wetness pooling between her legs, between her thighs. She knew every detail of what she had dreamt and it had turned her on so very acutely. She had been sexually active with Rachel in this dream and it left her feeling breathless and very alert now. How was she going to sleep now after that dream? She was definitely more than just a friend to Rachel after that dream. She had to have been in a relationship with her in order for something like that to happen … unless it wasn't a dream and it had been a fantasy instead.

Unable to just go back to sleep the blonde looked over at the clock and saw that it was nearly six so she decided to just get up and start on her day. She might as well get the day started and over with.

Rachel couldn't help that she went over to Quinn to save her. She just couldn't leave her there when she looked like she was in so much pain. So Rachel had approached her and saved her from certain falling and held her in her arms for just a few minutes. Those minutes had been glorious because it had been absolute and utter hell staying away from Quinn knowing that she needed her. Rachel wanted the chance to properly apologize once Quinn remembered her, remembered who she was so she could tell her how sorry she was for everything. She had plans to break things off with Finn but she was just waiting for the right day to do it. She couldn't keep up with the charade there anymore and so she was going to tell him goodbye. She now understood her part in Quinn's accident however unintentional and unforeseeable it was.

Even though she was determined not to approach Quinn first she had faltered at the first sign that the blonde wasn't feeling well. She wanted to stay in her arms for a little longer but she had felt the stares of many of the McKinley High population on them earlier. If Quinn had her memories she was sure she wouldn't have wanted to be caught in that position of vulnerability and so Rachel made sure her exit was quick in order to avoid the suspicion of the student population. The few minutes of holding her in her arms again had been worth it but still Rachel wished things were different, that her choices had been different. She should have held on for a little longer instead of doing what she did. Quinn would never have been hurt the way she was if it hadn't been for her impatience.

There was nothing she could do to change what had already been done now but she could always make up for it. She was taking the first step towards doing that by breaking up with Finn Hudson. Yes, she would do that. That would be her first step towards redemption. She needed to redeem herself and earn what she had with Quinn back and first thing was first: break up with Finn.

_Wait for me Quinn. I'll do whatever it takes to earn your love back. I almost lost you forever but I will never let go of you again if I earn the right to love you again. Just you wait for me Quinn Fabray; just you wait for me Quinn._

So sorry for the long wait for this chapter. I had a rather chaotic week and a very real crisis last week when I posted up "chapter 6". This is the real chapter and I hope that despite the wait I still have readers. Thank you for your patience and I hope that this chapter was worth the wait. The conclusion is coming soon everyone!

姫宮光る


	7. So Sick

Chapter 7

So Sick

Quinn was sick. Quinn was sick in more than one sense of the word. She was angry, frustrated, sad, upset, but most of all … she was sick. She was so sick and tired of the barrage of memories that kept coming back to haunt her in her dreams only to disappear upon waking and then coming back to her in another way. She was so sick and tired of the way Rachel kept looking at her when she thought she wasn't looking. She hated how cryptic and mysterious Santana and Kurt often were when they were around her whenever it came to the short diva constantly haunting her in different ways. She just wanted it all to end so she could move on with her life and go to Yale. She remembered the Earth shattering news about the proposal and her reaction to it and that had made her angry. She was also noticeably sad but she didn't say anything else about the subject.

Rachel had been sending her mixed signals and there was a particular night that she had dreamt of something that bothered her greatly. She was more than a little angry to have remembered the proposal that Rachel had spoken to her about. She didn't like it, didn't like that it showed that Rachel wasn't nearly as in love as Quinn was because of what she had been willing to give up but Rachel hadn't. The newest memories to resurface were the ones that depicted Rachel telling her about Finn proposing and it had hurt, her heart had ached at the memory. There was a painful clenching, throbbing feeling in her chest when that memory resurfaced. She knew then and there that Rachel's actions had hurt her greatly and yet … she remembered flashes of images then.

Quinn was dreaming again. She was tossing and turning, thrashing about on her bed. She was moving from one side to the other, tossing her head over and over and over again in her sleep.

_Quinn was looking at Rachel looking at her. They were just looking at each other in silence. Quinn was upset about what had happened earlier but she was determined to say what she wanted to say. She was going to tell Rachel what she had decided. She wanted things to be okay between them … she wanted them to be able to move on from her fear and face it together with Rachel. She was really going to do it! She was finally going to talk to her mother about how in love she was with the one and only Rachel Barbra Berry … except she never got the chance to do so._

"_It's time for you to go now, Quinn. You don't want my fathers to see that you've been here." And with that Quinn lost her chance because of the look in Rachel's eyes … it was like she had given up on them, on _her_, before they even started. Quinn didn't want it to be the end._

_Quinn was a bit of a masochist in some ways and she showed that side of her to Rachel by asking what she did next. "Is this it? Is this goodbye Rachel?" There were tears in her eyes but she refused to let them fall, she refused to be weak in this moment with Rachel._

_Rachel didn't say a word; couldn't bear to say them. She didn't want to if she was being perfectly honest to herself but she obviously wasn't._

_And then Quinn just knew. The look in her eyes as she looked away. Quinn realized exactly what had happened and with a sick feeling in her stomach she spoke again, "You still love me," and it was a statement, "but you're choosing him over me." Quinn's chest was heaving, her heart beating faster than it should, and she showed her masochistic tendencies again so soon by leaning in and giving Rachel one last kiss. This kiss was how their innocent first kiss felt, full of the feelings of love and the gentleness of a first kiss but showing something else in the familiarity._

Quinn wanted nothing more than to march from where she stood to Rachel's location. She was talking to Finn and he leaned down to kiss her lips but Rachel turned her face at the last second and he caught her cheek instead. Though Quinn was upset with the entire situation between Rachel and her she couldn't help feeling a bit smug over knowing that Rachel had just openly rejected Finn, unknowingly, in front of her. Quinn smirked at seeing that but then she saw something else that made her heart stop and hope fill her every pore. Rachel's left hand was free of a certain object … a circular one at that on a certain finger. What alerted Quinn to such a thing in the first place was the fact that Rachel was holding a certain type of box in her hand, one with a distinguishable shape. Quinn knew what that box meant and it made her heart pound with anticipation. Quinn wasn't disappointed when only moments later Rachel was closing and handing the box to him after whispering something in the space between them.

Quinn knew in that instant that things would be better … that things were _going_ to be better after seeing that, witnessing that moment, between them. Things were already seeming better and looking brighter to Quinn now that Finn was no longer Rachel Berry's _fiancée_. This gave Quinn hope for them … for there to _be_ a them, a future as something more than just … _pretending_. Now all she was to him was another girl … one who got away.

Quinn spun around on her heels unaware of another's gaze on her or the fact that those eyes had noticed her watching the scene unfold silently. It left Rachel wondering if Quinn had remembered something but she couldn't be sure about whether she had or not. Quinn had shown no indications to her directly and the only hint Rachel could see was that sometimes Quinn would _look_ at her as if she did love her again. Or maybe her love had never gone anywhere and was just waiting for her to find it again. Whatever the case was Quinn always seemed to be watching her but Rachel could never tell what emotion accompanied her staring, observing. It gave Rachel hope that perhaps there could be something between them again … whether it was an intimate relationship or just a friendship was another thing completely.

Rachel knew it was the morning … it was the day. She could feel it from the moment she woke up and the moment she spotted his tall stature in the hallway. It was all so obvious to her now, the right moment to do what she had decided to do. Her time was now and there was no moment more perfect than this one now. She knew it and she would follow through for sure this time.

There had been moments in the last week, since she made her decision; that she had wanted to actually bring it up but none of those moments felt right to her. She had finally found the day though, the day she had been looking for, searching for, since her conscious decision to break off her engagement and romance with Finn Hudson. That moment would be now and she would do it in the gentlest way possible because there was no need to do it in a rude or mean way. She could be civil and she would be.

She approached his tall form where he stood by his locker and he tried to lean down to kiss her lips in greeting but she moved her face at the last moment so he only caught her cheek. He looked hurt momentarily before he greeted her despite the oddity in her actions. "Hi Rach. What's up?" He was smiling his once upon a time would have been crooked smile and looked down at her with happiness and contentment. "Are we ever going to–" he was cut off by her rushed whisper.

"I can't." She sounded breathless and slightly exhilarated by such a declaration. She was strong and she knew she could do this; she just had to do it without stumbling with her words to show her strength, the strength of the emotions behind her words.

"Can't what?" Finn looked dumbfounded by the declaration, by the sureness in her voice as she spoke those two powerful words. He had a feeling he knew what it was about, what she meant by those words, but he didn't want to hear it from her. He didn't want those two breathlessly whispered words to mean what he thought they meant. He didn't want her to say what they meant clearly because of what he feared she meant by them just from the look on her face.

This was it! She had to stay strong and she had to show him she meant what she was saying with every fiber of her being! She had to make sure he knew and that he understood what it was she meant by saying these next few words. She shook her head slightly to clear it as she spoke next, only faltering slightly, "I-I can't … be a couple with you." She took the box that held the engagement ring within its confines and closed it before putting it into his too large hand. She looked up at him to see the devastation in his entire demeanor and on his face. He looked upset but he didn't say anything, which just meant that Rachel had succeeded in doing what she set out to do. She told him her feelings clearly and he understood what it was she said. Now she could reintroduce herself to one Quinn Fabray.

Rachel looked passed where Finn was standing in front of her and saw a blonde looking in their direction before spinning on her heels to walk down the hallway. A smile crept on Rachel's face at the thought that Quinn had been watching and it gave her a renewed sense of hope that there could be something more than just friendship between them again. Rachel hoped and Rachel knew that there was a chance, however small, that things could once again be more than just great between them … they could be … _wonderful_.

Finn interrupted her train of thought by speaking in an angry sounding tone. "It's because of _her_ isn't it? Quinn?" She didn't even need to answer because the look on her face said it all and he sneered. "Did she brainwash you or something because you were totally into me and you were gonna marry me Rachel! We were going to spend the rest of our lives together, you know?" He was being so … _ignorant_ that Rachel was speechless due to it. "Quinn is nothing but a manipulative, cold-hearted, bitch in sheep's skin Rachel! Don't let her fool you!" And then there was a loud, resounding slap heard throughout the hallway. A hush fell from most of the milling students at the loud sound of flesh meeting flesh. It was a sickening sound to behold and most of the students flinched upon hearing the sound resound in the once noisy hallway.

And then Rachel's fury was unleashed for all to witness in the hallway … but for one important blonde. She was consumed by the anger she felt over Finn's audacity. She had never encountered someone so ignorant and foolish in her entire life. She didn't know how she never realized it before, how much it bothered her to be around such a person. Before she had ever even considered Quinn as being a love interest she had been crushing on him and she had set aside his rude comments as unintentional. Now, she knew that they were all just said purely out of ignorance and because Finn was quite ignoramus in his actions and words often. She couldn't believe how blindly she ignored all of these things just for a little crush. Quinn was far more ideally matched with her and her intellect was more than brag worthy but the blonde herself was quite humble, the perfect yin to her yang other than being female.

"You have no idea what you're talking about, _Finn_." She spat his name out like he was some kind of unsavory taste in her mouth, as if the name itself burned her just to say it. "She's so much more than a pretty face and she has more talent than most anybody else in this school and you know it! You take back all of those horrid, terrible things you said about her! She is not manipulative or cold-hearted in any way let alone a _bitch_ as you so crudely referred to her as. She is kind hearted and sweet and so very intelligent. She is a wonderful person underneath the cold façade she puts on and I've seen it! I've seen the way she can be so thoughtful and gentle and just wonderfully kind. She's gone to more lengths to treat me with respect and care than you have ever when it comes to what I choose to eat than you have _ever_ in all of this time. You just absolutely have no right to say anything unkind about her because she doesn't deserve it and it isn't who she is at all!" She was more upset than angry by now and she was close to tears. "I thought you were better than this." And she turned and left the semi crowded hallway in favor of going to her homeroom.

The rest of her day passed by without much drama other than the cold glares she kept shooting in Finn's direction during Glee Club. It was very easily spotted by all of the Gleeks that Rachel was livid with anger when it came to Finn because she refused to sit anywhere near him and her constant glaring. If looks could kill Finn would be dead more than ten times over and then some. She had never been angrier with him and Kurt, Quinn, and Santana all took a vested interest in trying to figure out the reason for her ire. It was mostly Quinn passively trying to find out the reason by listening to Rachel's hushed conversation with Kurt and Santana interjected a few whispered words from her seat. Kurt would shoot annoyed looks at the Latina but said nothing because when Santana wanted to say something she would say it no matter who was listening with very few exceptions (those being children being present and Brittany).

"What's got you so mad at him Rachel?" Kurt whispered in a hushed tone next to Rachel but hushed for Kurt was still loud enough for Santana to hear him.

"It's nothing Kurt, no need to worry about it." Rachel sniffed in response. Rachel was looking right at Quinn though when she spoke and that was enough of an indicator for both Kurt and Santana to figure out that it had something to do with the blonde. Quinn was seated in the row in front Rachel and so she didn't see. Though Santana was sitting next to her she was turned around to blatantly listen to both of them talking. "I don't want to talk about him or _it_." Rachel's voice revealed her obvious fuming state and slightly pouty attitude. It was Quinn's natural response to find her diva adorable and cute despite how serious she was being.

"'_It_' being what exactly?" Kurt asked. Rachel huffed in annoyance but didn't answer the question. "Come on Rachel! I need the details! I live for gossip and I promise I won't tell anyone!"

Rachel huffed and puffed her cheeks out as they turned a little red in response to Kurt's pestering questions. She was about to speak up when the Latina beat her to the punch with very intuitive guessing. "He insulted Quinn didn't he? Probably called her a manipulative, cold-hearted, bitch … he probably was going to add slut but having sex with a guy one time and getting pregnant isn't exactly slut material." Santana added the last part as an afterthought and Rachel looked at her with a wide eyed expression while Kurt watched her reaction and clapped his hand over his mouth appropriately. And apparently Santana wasn't the only one eavesdropping; she was the only one doing it in plain sight.

"Ooooooooooh, no he din't! Mercedes said with dramatic diva attitude.

Rachel looked around incredulously to see that more than half the club, those who were actually present, was eavesdropping subtly until that point. Sam looked murderous, Tina was scandalized, Mike looked put out, Brittany shook her head, Santana sneered, Kurt had his hand over his mouth, which was wide open, and Quinn wasn't looking but she looked tense in her seat.

Finn walked in then and Quinn ran out, bumping into him, and immediately after her departure Rachel ran out after her. Rachel looked around frantically for the tall figure of her girlfriend and saw a blonde head of hair disappear around a corner and she ran as fast as she could. All of her work outs on the elliptical every morning paid off as she ran and just barely caught seeing Quinn's head vanish into a doorway, from what she could see. When Rachel ran up to where she last saw her dashing figure she took a deep breath before entering the girl's bathroom with a soft knock on the door.

"Quinn?" She called as she entered. She heard a soft sniffle that barely registered to her ears because of how soft it was. She knew her ears were not wrong though and so she entered the room with cautious steps. The first thing she saw was Quinn standing in front of a mirror with her hands clasping the porcelain sink with her head bowed forward in sorrow. Rachel knew the reason behind it as well: her insecurities being thrown in her face. If even one person thought as horribly as Finn did it hurt Quinn because of how self-conscious and fragile Quinn's seemingly abundant confidence was. Rachel looked into the mirrors reflection and saw streaks of tears on her face. "Oh, Quinn." She was standing a mere foot away from her now, so close and yet so far away. Just one step forward and she would be touching Quinn but she wasn't sure which Quinn would be responding. She wasn't sure if the person standing before her was _her_ Quinn … or the Quinn who didn't even know who she was.

Quinn didn't respond, didn't look up or move from where she stood. She just stood motionless other than the slight movement with each breath she took, each lungful of air into her body. And then she quivered and Rachel didn't hesitate to put her arms around the quivering blonde. She held her in her arms as Quinn buried her face into the crook of Rachel's neck with sinking familiarity.

It was several moments before Quinn managed to pull herself out of Rachel's comforting and warm embrace to confront her. "Why did you come after me?" Quinn demanded softly in her strong but soft spoken way.

Rachel looked confused in response because there had just been a tender moment between them only moments before. "What?" Rachel was completely and utterly confused about the question, where it came from. "I don't understand what you mean Quinn." Quinn looked angry upon hearing Rachel tell her she didn't understand.

"You don't understand?" Quinn said incredulously and at Rachel's nod she scoffed. "You … ever since I first woke up you haven't said more than four words to me since you found out that I didn't remember you. Four!" Quinn looked so angry but there was an underlying agony and sorrow lacing her voice and actions. Rachel just looked like a deer caught in headlights and panicked at that. "Is that all I'm worth to you?" Quinn would have walked away but Rachel's hand shot out suddenly and took hold of her hand before she could move more than two steps passed her. Quinn was momentarily amazed by Rachel's quick reflexes before she huffed out impatiently. "First you ignore me and now you won't let me go? You're so … frustrating in your actions! Why can't you be clearer about what you wa—" Quinn was cut off by Rachel pressing a soft finger against her lips. She was startled to say the least.

The look in Rachel's eyes was what stopped Quinn altogether. Rachel was speaking volumes with her silence and it caused something to ache within Quinn.

The moment Rachel dropped her finger the question that Quinn had been waiting to ask finally fell from her lips. "You wouldn't tell me who you were: why?" As harsh as the words seemed they were uttered softly.

Rachel looked into the golden haze that was Quinn's eyes. There was so much emotion in those eyes causing a torrential storm of green and gold within them with slight hues of brown flecked within them. "I just … wanted you to remember … who I was on your own. I wanted to say to you that day … I wanted to tell you … 'just remember who I am in the morning,' but … how realistic is that?" Rachel's tone was gentle and full of explanation. Quinn was still so unsure about everything though and so she just nodded her head and waited for further explanation from the tiny diva. "'You're losing your memory now' … those words … I wanted to tell you that but … I shouldn't have been the one to say it. Not when you couldn't even remember who I was, who I am to you even now. Just remember who I am in the morning and … I … _we_ can start over again, start anew, together." Rachel had said so much despite how little she spoke compared to her usual soliloquies when it came to explaining something that should have taken a few words. It was a trait that Rachel uniquely possessed.

Quinn was hesitant to just blindly agree to anything that someone told her … but Rachel was different. Rachel was honest to a fault at times other than the one time she sent Sunshine Corazon to a crack house because of her fear of competition. That was truly against her better judgment and had been a lapse in honesty that Rachel had never shown again. She had not once lied about what she believed was the right thing to do, which was marrying Finn. She never lied about who she was … only hoped and prayed that Quinn's memory would come back one day soon for Quinn's sake more than anything.

"Is that really … everything you have to say? After you blatantly avoided me like the plague and acted like I didn't exist until you thought I wasn't looking? That's all you have to say to me?" Quinn was still very much upset but she managed to rein it in to just disbelief and frustration over Rachel's very lacking explanation. Quinn could just tell that there was something else Rachel wasn't telling her but she didn't know how or why she got that feeling. She just knew.

Rachel looked down at the floor in response and Quinn yanked her hand away from Rachel as if she had been burned by her. She was moving quickly to exit the bathroom again when Rachel bolted in front of her and blocked the exit. She even went as far as to lock the door to make sure no one intruded upon their alone time. They had been lucky that no one had walked in on them so far, the other club members were suspiciously quiet about their absence.

"Quinn … wait. Please?" Rachel was desperate for a chance to say what it was she had been holding back from Quinn and just as she was about to there was a pounding on the door. It startled them both and Rachel jumped up from where she was standing while Quinn just had a slightly bewildered look on her face in response.

"Hey! Is someone in there? I need to use the bafroom … like, now!" Rachel took a moment to allow her heart to settle down when the pounding was heard again and the same voice yelled into the door again. "Hey! The door being locked means someone has to be in there!"

"This restroom is currently being occupied because I have some business to take care of!" Rachel said in a voice loud enough to make sure the person on the other side could hear and understand what she said.

"Man! Now I've gots to walk down an entire hallway. You better not be making some nasty stank in there whoever you are!" And whoever that unknown girl was she left. As annoying and unwelcome her presence had been she left which was polite in its own way and it left them to talk a bit more about what it was they needed to talk about.

"Well that was certainly … interesting." Quinn said wryly which caused Rachel to giggle. They both smiled at each other for a moment before Quinn addressed Rachel about the issue at hand. "So … you wanted to tell me something?"

Rachel nodded and gulped nervously in response to Quinn's question that wasn't quite a question. "I … look you … you didn't even know who I was. I could just suddenly blurt out to you that we were lovers and that I broke your heart to settle for someone else by marrying them until your tragic car accident! You have to admit that that would have been devastating for you considering you had amnesia and couldn't remember who I was!" Rachel had always been a passionate person but it was showing through even more strongly now than ever. "I … I don't even know what you remember and what you don't but … I couldn't just let you walk away hurt and self-conscious like that. I love you and I can't stand seeing you in so much pain and confusion so … can we … can we just start over again?" Rachel was hopeful. She wanted a second chance even though she had screwed up royally the first time around. She knew that she could only ever be happy if she was _something_ _more_ to Quinn than just a friend even if that meant she was just a best friend. But what Rachel truly wanted, what she truly hoped and wished and prayed for, was for the second chance she didn't deserve to show Quinn how sorry she was and that they were destined. That was all Rachel wanted in that moment and she didn't know if she would get it.

I'm sorry about the long wait for this chapter but I've been working at my other job this past week and boy was I exhausted after each and every shift since I was waking up around 5 for them! All that matters is that I'm still writing because that means you can all read, I hope.^^

Please leave me nice reviews and I'm planning on the next chapter being the last! Thanks for tagging along for the ride for those who have been reading since the beginning! Thank you all!

姫宮光る


	8. Heart, Mind, & Soul

Chapter 8

Heart, Mind, & Soul

Rachel had been planning to sing a song ever since Quinn had asked her for more time to think about everything … about her, about their relationship with each other. As much as Rachel wanted to protest what right did she have to do so? None whatsoever was the clear answer to that and so Rachel just spent her time preparing for graduation and thinking of different ways to show Quinn that she would wait without saying a single word to her. It went without saying that Quinn had definitely taken notice of all of the ways Rachel had been trying.

A yellow rose in her locker … a locket with a stone that brought out the green in her hazel eyes … Quinn's favorite low fat dark chocolate with hazelnut flavoring … several love letters and so on and so forth for the past month. Quinn couldn't help the flutter in her heart every time she saw a sign that Rachel had been thinking of her but she resolved to keep her cool. She was still taking her time and processing everything that was still coming back to her in small spurts in the form of memories. Quinn didn't want to rush back in when Rachel had been so ready to give up on them after nearly two years of struggling, of hardships, and working so hard to be together. Rachel just allowed all of that to slip away the moment she told her that she was settling for someone as rude, childish, petty, and dimwitted as Finn Hudson. He couldn't challenge her in a single way and his voice was hardly the best match for Rachel's. In fact Rachel sounded much better harmonizing with Quinn herself and she had proven that fact by singing with her their junior year. Even the other Gleeks had given them their props and kudos over hearing their rendition of I Feel Pretty/Unpretty. A great surprise to all was Rachel's willingness to swear in the song but that shock was overtaken by how beautifully they harmonized, much better than Finn had ever managed with her.

Rachel was actually surprised that everyone she had asked to sing with her had agreed to do so because not many of them had been talking to her much since the truth came out. Sure Kurt and Mercedes still gossiped with her and Tina was still sweet but quiet. Kurt had been there for her when she needed him most but he seemed upset with her for her choice of action when it came to Quinn. It wasn't like he ignored her or anything along those lines … he just didn't seek her out anymore or go out of his way to include her. She was so lonely. She had never felt lonelier in her life and she had written a song to sing to the Glee Club the following week if things still didn't progress between Quinn and her. The song was the perfect embodiment of how she was feeling these days, how lonely and desolate she was lately. She just wanted everyone to understand that she was so alone right now. All she had was the echo of her own voice and a shadow was her only friend these lonely days now.

Right now Rachel was preparing herself to sing after Tina's opening to the song. This song was one she picked personally because of all of the memories that played through her head when she listened to it or looked at the lyrics to the song. It described the way they fell in love perfectly. It described the awkward embarrassment of not knowing that one was falling in love and the doubt that surfaced with insecurity while still saying that love was possible even if it was only for one night.

Tina's soft voice sounded almost hesitant as she sang the first line, like she felt shy to sing the words. She embodied the feelings those words brought to everyone listening.

Wouldn't it be nice if we fell in love like an old movie?

Embarrassed you laughed

Always, you tell me that I'm the only one

But even so, isn't tonight special?

And then Rachel came in with the chorus with trembling strength. Her voice was soft in the beginning but it gathered strength to be heard over the others harmonizing with her.

Oh why … does my heart feel like it's racing like an engine?

My heart, mind, and soul

Oh why … are you looking at me with such piercing eyes?

I am unable to say anything at all

Brittany was next and she sang with a somewhat sorrowful sound to her voice as well as more deeply than anyone in the club thought she was capable of. Everyone that wasn't part of the five part harmony was shocked to hear how deep Brittany's voice was compared to the much higher pitch she usually sang in.

I can't speak like the way they do in old movies

But even so, isn't tonight special?

Rachel sang again and she kept the eye contact she had initiated with Quinn the moment the song started. Quinn was lost in the gaze of the dark brown eyes she had come to love so dearly.

Oh why … do my words reach you in a roundabout way?

My true love to you

Oh why … are you looking at me with such wet eyes?

I am unable to think at all

Kurt was next with his voice singing in tenor instead of the usual countertenor he was known for.

I say love always has to come to an end

Our bond, as it is like this, will never disappear

Don't ask me why (don't ask me why)

Why (why) why (why) why~?

Mercedes cut in with the last why and stole the spotlight for a moment before singing with Rachel.

Oh why … does my heart feel like it's racing like an engine?

My heart, mind, and soul (my heart, my mind, my soul)

Oh why~ … do I raise a gamble to magic tonight?

And here Rachel cut in with a line with Mercedes then following before they harmonized together and the others joined in.

Once more you travel a twinkling journey

Once more I go to grant a wish

Shining, our, heart, mind, and soul

Ooh~ who~

When Rachel was through singing the song she broke the eye contact that she had been having with Quinn during her performance. It was acapella with Brittany, Kurt, Mercedes, and Tina helping in the background and harmonizing together like the original five part harmonization of the original band. All in all the performance had left the other Gleeks in awe because they had never done anything quite like this. Everyone had a turn to sing a few lines and then harmonize with the others just as soon as the next person was ready to sing their line. And this song was all acapella which was very rare because usually Brad and the Jazz band played music in the background so that it was acoustic. This song though … it was beautifully acapella and Quinn was touched knowing that Rachel had been singing to her the entire time just made her heart a little bit. She had noticed throughout the weeks that Rachel had been showing Quinn effort and that she had been thinking about her in different ways while still giving her the space she needed to think. That was the part that got to Quinn the most, made her feel an aching throb every time she thought about the distance between them now.

The rose being yellow was significant because it was Quinn's favorite color. The locket was an indicator that Rachel paid attention to what made the green of Quinn's hazel eyes stand out and it also had a rather cheesy but cute key next to it on the chain. The low fat dark chocolate with hazel flavoring showed that Rachel knew that Quinn was insecure about her weight so she gave her something she wouldn't have to feel guilty about eating. The love letters all spoke of all the ways Rachel noticed Quinn and all of the little and big things she loved about her, cherished and adored about Quinn. And then there was that song … it was sweet and it made Quinn remember what it was that started it all, how they came to fall in love.

These were all things that Rachel had done to reach out to Quinn to show her that she hadn't forgotten her and she wasn't ignoring her. It showed that Rachel was giving Quinn the space she needed to think about everything while still being involved without being overbearing. Quinn found it very sweet and endearing and she could feel herself falling in love with Rachel and her charms again. _Maybe it could be okay for us to start over again …_

Quinn was brought out of her thoughts when she heard someone humming the tune to _Halo_ under their breath. She thought it was wholly appropriate considering what was happening in her mind at the moment. She looked over her shoulder and saw that Rachel was standing at her locker humming while she grabbed various items from her locker for her classes. Rachel had to have been at least three feet away from her but that didn't mean a thing considering how loud Rachel's entire personality was to begin with. Quinn smiled and chuckled a bit under her breath before she turned around and walked up to Rachel before she could stop herself.

Rachel, who had her locker blocking her face, was startled when she step back to see a new presence around her, "eek!" she squealed in surprise. "Don't _do_ that to me! Quinn, give me some kind of notification next time so I don't suffer from an injury like a … heart … att-ack …" it was then that Rachel realized who she had been talking to and her eyes became wide. She looked like a deer caught in headlights and she stayed frozen like that. A moment passed in which they could only look at each other. Neither one knew what to say at first until Rachel spoke her name softly, like a whisper, "Quinn?"

That was all Quinn needed because before she knew what she was doing Rachel was in her arms. She had gotten another love letter this morning and it wasn't only sweet but also very real and very much holding her in her arms.

"I'm sorry." And Quinn truly meant those words because she could see the hurt in Rachel's eyes. "Thank you … for everything Rachel … I …" Quinn pulled back slowly and looked at her in the eyes before she took a step back. "I … just wanted to let you know that I still need space … that I'm still thinking about everything." Rachel looked at the ground as she listened to Quinn's soft voice. "This isn't goodbye … just know that this isn't goodbye."

"Wait, do you not understand what you mean to me?" Rachel asked desperately, feeling like someone was grasping her heart tightly in a teasing way almost, cruelly. That feeling was only worse when Quinn hesitated before shaking her head minutely.

"I … don't know what I mean to you. I'm just … I'm confused right now. I'm sorting all of my memories out right now and a lot of them … a majority of them are about you and how we were together. I keep remembering other people too. It's like I'm grasping at the grains of sand slipping through my fingers sometimes. I'm trying, God knows I am, but it's going to take a while."

Rachel felt the undeniable ache in her chest increase at seeing the look in Quinn's stormy eyes. "Bye … Quinn." Rachel closed her locker and walked away. She knew Quinn wouldn't chase after her and so when she was sure she was out of sight she walked to the bathroom she knew would be empty. She made sure to lock her stall at the end of the girl's restroom and she took one of the chairs provided in the bathroom to sit on while she allowed herself to cry. Before she knew what she was doing she was singing her song.

Hello, hello anybody out there? 'Cause I don't hear a sound

Alone, alone I don't really know where the world is, but I miss it now

I'm out on the edge and I'm screaming my name like a fool at the top of my lungs

Sometimes when I close my eyes I pretend I'm all right but it's never enough

'Cause my echo, echo is the only voice coming back

My shadow, shadow is the only friend that I have

She was so immersed in her song that she didn't realize that someone else had entered the girl's restroom. They had been standing there when someone else came in just a moment behind them after Rachel had sung the word 'hello' the first time and they both felt something stirring in their chests. A third person was entering the restroom just as Rachel started up again after a pause to regain control over her crying and emotional state.

Listen, listen I would take a whisper if that's all you have to give

But it isn't, isn't you could come and save me and try to chase the crazy right out of my head

I'm out on the edge and I'm screaming my name like a fool at the top of my lungs

Sometimes when I close my eyes I pretend I'm all right but it's never enough

'Cause my echo, echo is the only voice coming back

My shadow, shadow is the only friend that I have

The first two who had come in were tearing up because of how palpable her emotions were. The last one to enter gasped softly at the words she heard. It was heartrending to hear who they all knew was none other than the diva, Rachel Berry, crying and singing like this. She made herself look strong these last four weeks. This last month all she had been concentrating on was showing Quinn that she was strong, that she cared, and that she would do whatever it took to show her that she loved her. Every morning after she left a present in Quinn's locker she would look to see what Quinn's reaction would be and she saw how Quinn looked surprised that first time and then disappointed the day after when she found nothing. And then a week later she saw the surprise that showed on Quinn's face again when she found another gift from her. Quinn didn't look disappointed the day after when she didn't see anything in her locker because she had figured it out by then. Quinn knew and understood what to expect, to a certain extent, the next week.

I don't wanna be an island, I just wanna feel alive and get to see your face again

I don't wanna be an island, I just wanna feel alive and get to see your face again

Once again just my echo, my shadow, you're my only friend

Rachel's voice almost cracked several times throughout the song but she kept going on despite that fact, she persevered and sang passed the emotions choking her. No matter how emotional Rachel was she was always perfectly in tune and strong despite any emotional strain so it was hard to hear such hurt from her. Everyone listening to her could feel the emotions pouring through each word she sang softly and they felt it enveloping them as if they were their own emotions, their own pain and hurt.

And I'm out on the edge and I'm screaming my name like a fool at the top of my lungs

Sometimes when I close my eyes I pretend I'm all right but it's never enough

'Cause my echo, echo

Oh my shadow, shadow

Hello, hello anybody out there …

The first time she saw what was waiting for her inside of her locker Quinn's face had brightened beautifully and Rachel knew that she had done the right thing. She was showing Quinn how much she cared about her while still giving her the distance that she had asked for. Quinn had looked around the hallway but Rachel ducked behind the wall she had been watching her from. She knew it was rather creepy but she also knew that if she didn't see how Quinn reacted she would regret it for the rest of her life. She continued to watch from behind that same hallway wall for the next month. Each time she watched from the wall she could see how happy it made Quinn to receive all of her presents. She had only seen Quinn's disappointment by chance that first time. She had just finished grabbing her things from her locker and after shutting it she looked over to Quinn's locker instinctually and saw the look of disappointment flashing across her face. It haunted her when she first saw it until she came up with an idea for the next week. That small smile that she loved so much came back and she found herself feeling even more motivated than ever to keep it coming back until … hopefully they resolved whatever problems they had together. That was all Rachel wanted.

Even if they were never to be with each other again as anything more than friends … Rachel wanted it. She wanted what she could get even if that meant that there were only friends for the rest of their lives. Even if Rachel screamed in frustration and cried her eyes out because she could never have Quinn, hold her in her arms, and declare the words 'I love you' in the context of lovers … she would take it. Rachel would take only ever meaning the words 'I love you' as a friend if it was what Quinn wanted. What she couldn't take though, what was tearing her apart right now was not having Quinn in her life at all, not being able to see her beautiful smile aimed at her, her real small smile.

Being able to see the one she wanted but never talk to her, approach her, touch her even, was torture. Rachel's despair was as deep as the ocean and she couldn't help but feel like she was drowning in it without a life jacket and without someone there to save her. She was drowning in the middle of an ocean without anybody around to save her … she was completely and utterly alone right now and she felt it. She didn't feel like bothering to leave the bathroom until she was done crying but she didn't want to skip her classes and so she prepared to leave the bathroom to go to the nurse's office so she would at least be somewhere appropriate to cry out her feelings.

The moment she turned the lock she heard hushed voices and hurried footsteps leave the bathroom.

"Wait!" she called out but she was too late. Whoever it was had left before she could see more than jeans and designer shoes. She sighed and hurriedly made her way to a sink to wash her red eyes to cool them off and check how red they looked. Her eyes were a little puffier than they should be and her eyes were a little pinker than usual but she was sure it wouldn't be _too_ evident to any observer. She was glad she didn't bother wearing any mascara because her makeup was water proof. The mascara would have leaked black lines down her cheeks and be noticeable on the water proof makeup. After a moment to just look at her reflection she left for the nurse's office only to come face to face with a distraught looking Quinn.

Before Rachel could turn around or even move to the side and barrel passed Quinn, Quinn's hands had seized her shoulders in a strong but gentle grip. "You've been crying? Why … why were you crying if you don't mind me asking?" Quinn asked gently while looking at Rachel expectantly.

Rachel looked away from the piercing eyes gazing back at her with much difficulty and found a spot somewhere passed Quinn's shoulder to avoid the gaze that would force her to speak. "It … it's nothing you have to worry about. Y-you sh-should g-g-go …" Rachel was having difficulty talking passed the quivering of her mouth and the urge to cry again.

"No." Quinn said vehemently. Her voice was strong and full of conviction. "I won't leave you here crying like this. You don't have to tell me what's wrong but at the very least I'm going to take you to the nurse's office or the guidance councilor." And with that Quinn took Rachel's hand and held it within her own and led her through the packed halls. Rachel tried several times to just make a break through the throngs of students but couldn't bring herself to do so. It had been _months_ since they had last held hands, let alone intertwined their fingers, and they had _never_ done so in public. Rachel could feel the eyes on them in the hallways and wondered, once again, what would have happened if she had just waited a little longer, been more patient. She wondered if this was what they could and would have had if she had just held on for a little bit longer that day. Quinn would never have been hurt and they could have been together while everyone knew about them and if worse came to worse, for Quinn, they might have been living together.

Whatever would have happened she knew it was better than seeing Quinn lying in a hospital unconscious for two weeks and for a month total because of how severe her injuries were. Even if what had happened was that they were never a couple again … she was much more okay with that than having seen an injured Quinn, pale and bruised for months. Even now Quinn had some difficulty because she had broken several bones that day and now they were constantly sore and in pain.

"Quinn … I'm okay." Rachel insisted once more but the look on Quinn's face told Rachel that she would not take that answer and she conceded. "Thank you." And that was all Quinn needed to hear before she went over to the office where Ms. Pillsbury sat at the ready for any student.

Quinn quickly explained that Rachel was very upset and that she might need someone to talk to and she asked for a few minutes to talk to Rachel about something Ms. Pillsbury nodded her head with a soft, "of course," leaving her lips. Quinn had a determined look on her face as she left the office.

Rachel was standing outside of the office, leaning against the wall next to the windows leading into the office, and looking calmer but still very upset. She looked up at Quinn with a watery smile and a sorrowful face. "You … you didn't have to do this Quinn." Quinn bristled a bit at hearing Rachel saying something so … un-Rachel-like. She shook her head. She knew she had done this to Rachel. As much as everyone blamed Rachel for Quinn's accident subconsciously Quinn never did herself. She knew that she had been unfair to Rachel as well, who was willing to overlook it, for as long as they had been going out. From day one she had said that they couldn't be public. Rachel had accepted it at first, thinking that Quinn would eventually become stronger and more comfortable in their relationship. As time passed things like Quinn's pregnancy, Quinn's refusal to tell their friends, and Quinn never allowing them to be affectionate outside of their homes grated on Rachel's patience and nearly tore them apart. The pregnancy had been the biggest blow and they almost didn't get back together after what had happened. To make matters worse Quinn gave Beth away to Shelby of all people but they got back together after Quinn apologized in every way she could, showed Rachel how much she meant to her. She didn't give up and she was persistent, as persistent as she had been when they first started really understanding the feelings behind their jealousy over each other's boyfriends in the past. It all came full circle in the end it seemed.

Quinn took hold of Rachel's face and tilted it up so that they were facing each other, looking into each other's eyes. "Never think that I don't care about you anymore Rachel. I'm just in a really hard place right now. I'm still trying to figure out who I was these last four years. I'm trying to give myself time to figure out what _we_ were. I …" a pause, "I just want to know that we really meant something to each other … that we belong together because we were equals and our relationship was … could become more. I wanted to figure out … rather … remember what we were to each other … see if we were _it_ for each other … that there would never be anybody else who would get in between us because of pettiness. I wanted to see what the mechanics of our relationship was before I lost all of my memories. It's been … nearly three months now and I'm remembering things everyday now … even if it isn't something big … I'm remembering now."

Rachel was trying so hard to consider everything Quinn was saying and taking it at face value. She wanted to believe that what Quinn was saying was what she really meant and not some ploy to lead her on. The feeling she was receiving from Quinn made her know, with every fiber of her being, that Quinn was telling her what she truly felt with no reservations.

"Okay. I … I-I understand Quinn." Rachel closed her eyes and reveled in the feel of Quinn's hand on her skin. She just knew that something had changed in this single moment. That was all she needed to say.

Just a week before graduation Rachel was walking into the school's main office only to see Quinn sitting in one of the chairs already. They hadn't spoken since her breakdown but it was more of a comfortable kind of acknowledgement as opposed to the, sometimes, avoidance thing they had going on before.

Quinn looked over at Rachel and smiled as she watched her walk into the office to sit down in the chair next to her. Quinn looked at Rachel while she stood, hovering next to the slight with hesitation. "Hi … I'm Quinn Fabray."

Rachel fell into step, "I'm Rachel Berry," she said as she sat down next to her, smoothing out her dress as she sat down. Just then Quinn was hit with a memory of a similar event. Rachel was seating herself down next to her somewhere only in this memory she was pregnant and upset. Rachel was telling her she was sorry in this memory and Quinn smiled a bit wryly at remembering such a thing during this moment.

They talked for a bit about their futures respectively before Quinn stood up to part ways with her. It was then that Rachel knew that they would be okay … that there was a chance for them again. Rachel knew that if Quinn gave her another chance … she wouldn't mess it up this time. She would make sure to get it right this next time no matter what it took to make sure she did … for them.

So sorry this took so long but I worked for nearly two weeks without a break at work and then I had a single day off and then it was back to work with this grueling schedule. I finally got several days off this week though because of the fact that there is reconstruction going on at my work and so part of the building is closed off! That means less hours of work because there is less to do! I hope everyone enjoyed this story while it lasted and that there is lots of love despite the fact that this is the end!^^ I hope you read my other stories now that this one is done! Have a nice day everybody!^^

姫宮光る


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